Our Defining Moments

For the Kids!

2011-08-14T17:12:00.001-07:00

My trip to the grocery store highlighted yet another inconsistancy in the education system and the hold that corperate america has on our children. Don't tune me out just yet. Nathan's school is having a "box tops for education" contest. The class with the most box tops wins a party or something like that. The food we usually buy is not imprinted with this magical seal of approval and so is utterly useless to my son. Now, the food we usually buy is organic, unprocessed and has no added anything. Useless? I'm sorry the fresh organic produce we buy is doing so little for your social status. Though my frustration is not pointed at him. I'm pointing to you, Brownsville Elementary. During his first year at your school you preached nutrition so much to him that he thinks anything with a gram of fat is going to kill him. He checks nutrition labels on everything. While I am glad he does, it's almost an obsession. So in complete contrast to your teaching nutrition, you are bribing our kids to beg their parents for the following (if you could call them this) foods: Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Hamburger Helper, GoGurt, Trix yogurt, Gushers, and the rest of the candy (fruit) snacks. These are obviously not all of the products but you get the idea. I guarantee that not one nutritionist would recommend feeding any of the above products to our children. As if commercials and constant advertising wasn't enough to have to fight, now I have to fight the promise of a pizza party. I have again been made to be the villain because I am trying to do what is right for my children while other factors seem to be going against my efforts. Get off my kids, Betty Crocker!

Tough Questions

2011-06-30T14:52:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest things that sucks about adulthood, is having to answer the tough questions. Making the hard decisions. I had to decide to euthanize (kill) my dog when she got sick. I don't usually pray but I did then: for her to die peacefully so I didn't have to make that call. The Universe said, "too bad for you."
Today had to laugh at myself for using the guidance of a magic 8 ball. It was given to me by a friend who swore it was never wrong... and it usually isn't (weird). Come on... we all do something ridiculous in blind faith. Whether you make a wish at 11:11, throw pennies into fountains, or wish on the first star you see at night, we all do it. So out of desperation to seek answers to my toughest questions I lapsed in logical thinking to consult the all-magical 8 ball. I know I can't leave my fate up to a toy, but wouldn't it be great if we all had a personal consultant to tell us exactly what to do and where to go? Would this result in a lack of free will? Not really. Ultimately it would your decision, but if you could count on the answer as being the right one, life would be a lot easier.
I believe all things that are supposed to happen, will... eventually. But how do you make sure you're moving in the right direction? And what happens when you go in the opposite direction? Does it all work itself out or will the rest of your life be a cluster of nothing being as it should? Unanswerable questions, I know. I also know they plague the minds of about 6 billion people. We all take chances hoping that we're doing the right thing... and hoping there will be an invisible safety net to keep us from falling too far. Perhaps I just need to reach a higher state of enlightenment, or work on my progress in self-actualizing. Maybe then, I'll have the answers.

Pepper

2011-06-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

We always referred to Chopper and Scooter as "salt and pepper". After Chopper's initial puppy stage, the two were inseparable. Salt and Pepper. As Scooter got older and wasn't as active as she once was, Sophie took over as Chopper's partner in crime. Since Scooter died June 5th, Sophie has tried to find her place with me as well, but I have misplaced resentment of her for being alive while Scooter isn't.

Scooter was one of the most amazing animals I've ever known. Though she was 8 when we had our first baby, she never snapped at him if he pulled on her ears, or put his hand in her food bowl. If he cried, she would run back and forth between him and where I was, jumping and barking at me to move my butt. When I was giving birth to Drew, a friend of mine had to physically restrain her from jumping into the birth pool. Her never let her concern for me and my family take a break.

Yesterday, I picked up her ashes from the vet. I expected the box to be bigger and I don't know why. When we got home the kids wanted to see the contents of the small dark cherry box. I had explained to them ahead of time that Scooter was "Scooter sand" now. When I opened the box I held my breath expecting a puff of ashes, but they were contained in a plastic bag. It didn't feel right picking the bag up, but I did. I've never seen cremated ashes and was slightly stunned at what they looked like: pepper. Gray and white particles mixed together. The boys lost interest very quickly but I couldn't help studying the contents of that bag. I was searching for something that would hold any proof that it was her... something recognizable. Obviously I didn't find anything. I don't know if it would have made it more real to me, but I needed "proof" that she was actually gone. I held and pet her head while she died, and I felt her take her last breath. I searched her eyes for her soul and found it wasn't there anymore. I stroked her ears for a bit after she was gone, told myself she couldn't feel it, but couldn't stop. I wondered in that moment, if the grief I felt was worth the time I had with her.

Whenever you acquire a pet, you know they are going to die before you. We know this, and we give them all our love anyway.

The Taoist in me says "if life is infinite, then this is not life" (Dyer). I believe the core of who she is, is moving on. But I know she isn't with me, and that makes it hard to be happy for her.

Regardless of my sadness now, the conclusion I have come to is the grief is worth it. The saying "it is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all" is so true. To be alive is to make true connections to others around you, to see their differences and appreciate how amazing they are. To receive that unconditional acceptance keeps you moving through the tough times. If you never knew love, you'd have nothing to live for.

We start relationships, and get our hearts broken. We have children and live in constant fear for their safety. Wouldn't it be easier to avoid these things? Absolutely. But opting out on the good times... that would not be worth missing.

In my 'right' mind.

2011-05-15T12:48:00.000-07:00

My blog has been pretty much a ghost blog, and I'm amazed it hasn't gotten deleted from lack of activity! That being said, I'm feeling compelled to write again, so if you're wanting to read some more of what little insight I have to life, here it is.

The human brain isn't fully developed until a person is between 24 and 26. At this time they become more aware of their own emotions, understand the consequences of their actions more clearly, and in short, "grow up". I'm not sure when this happened for me as I am now 26 and hope I am not a late bloomer on this one. I will say that it has to be much harder to go through your early 20's assuming responsibilities of a much older person, when your brain isn't physiologically there. raising kids while you're still raising yourself is a grand task and knowing this now, wouldn't recommend it.

OK, chill out. I don't regret my life, my children or the choices I've made. I know I would be a much different person without these experiences, and I really like who I am. I really like my husband and my kids, too. I feel slightly guilty bringing children into my world when my sense of self had not been established. But they're doing pretty well so regardless of how it might have effected them at times, they made it out OK.

It was very recently that I finally figured out what I wanted to do, career wise. I worked a few jobs here and there for survival, but nothing I was really in love with. Now that I am working towards completing my degree to get to that career, I feel like my life is (getting) on track. With this, I feel guilty for having to lock myself in my room or head up to Starbucks for a few hours to get a paper done, when I should be doing something with my family. believe I will be encouraging my children to go to college and start their life-long career before they have an opportunity for this guilt.

And then there are days when the weight of my "real life" responsibilities and issues take away my ability to think clearly enough to write a paper or take a test. Where I used to have a 4.0 average, I no longer seem to have the ambition to achieve that GPA, and have been settling for a 3.2. I have made decisions to skip low-weighted assignments for the sake of saving myself the stress of rushing to get it done. Is this part of my newly found "adult" brain, or a huge sign of immaturity?

I have a few things to catch up on in regard to my classes right now, but I just can't seem to do it. I got on the computer, opened my book and stared blankly at both. The weight of some recent decisions I've made recently is weighing heavily on me. While I can still function just fine as a mom and domestic goddess, when contemplating anything outside of these two areas my mind wonders over to ways I could have handled things better. How I could have used my "adult brain" instead of the brain I've been using for the past 26 years. Or maybe I did, and it is my "adult brain" that is giving me these emotions now. I know that no one can redo or re-say anything, but that doesn't stop me from wishing for it. Joe and I will joke about those things that come out of your mouth and as the words are flowing you're telling yourself to shut up, and if you could reach out and grab the sounds from the air before they reached other's ears, you would. What you can do, is learn from it. As painful as consequences can be, I don't believe there are any mistakes. If you learn from an experience, it was worth going through. Whether the damage is a stained shirt, bad haircut, or the breakdown of a great friendship. I have also always said that there is nothing that can't be fixed. Most stains can eventually be scrubbed out with the right cleaner, hair grows back, and trust can be rebuilt. All of these things take time, but are perfectly possible.

As for now, I am taking my thoughts one at a time. I understand how to separate emotion and rationalization, but it is much easier to explain than to put it to practice. For now, I just want to clear my thoughts enough to pass my current classes. Everything else will fall into place when it's supposed to.

Freedom for All

2010-11-10T10:16:00.000-08:00

With the apporaching Veteran's Day and Thanksgiving, I've been thinking about the most important aspect of our country... freedom. This term sounds simple enough, but I believe it's more complex than it appears. The Pilgrims came to this country searching for religous freedom. At least, that's what we're told. The part of the story we often leave out to our school-aged children, is that they were searching for religous freedom for them. They were very strict in the ways that they lived, and every aspect of their lives was governed by their religion. Anyone that didn't abide by their rules, was persecuted (salem witch trials?). When Roger Williams founded Rhode Island, it was because his religous views didn't follow the mass's. He was the first American to ralley for true religous freedom for all. This is a subject that I am so passionate about because I, like a lot of others in this country, do not follow the "right" religion. Whenever I state that I am not a christian, which I am reluctant to do most of the time, it is often followed by an akward silence. Then many questions. One minute I'm a "good" person, and the next I am a heathen that needs to be taught the "true path". "No, I do not worship the devil" and "Yes, I believe that Jesus lived, but I don't believe he was the son of God" are statements I've made many, many times in my life. What bothers me the most, is in the United States of America, where we take our freedoms so seriously and hold them so dear, is that most people follow the rule that you have the freedom to believe what they believe. I have also said, "The Constitution declares freedom of religion for all, not just for Christians" more times than I can count. Last year around the holiday season, there was an uproar because the atheist community put a display up among the Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa displays. People felt they didn't have the right to put their display up. While I agree it might not have been in the best taste, I absolutely believe they had the right to do it. The display was even vandalized. What does that say about people today? Hundreds of years after the days of the Puritans, the definition of "freedom of religion" is still not viewed the same across the board.
I come across this skewed view of freedom in many other areas of my life. I have chosen to have home births for all of my children, and it is my right to do so. However, my insurance doesn't agree with the practice and refuses to cover a home birth, even though it is tens of thousands of dollars cheaper to cover. Why should they be allowed to strong-arm anyone into doing something they don't agree with? (Might I add it's a government run insurance?) We refuse to immunize our children, but most people don't even know they have the right to waive it. Most parents are told that their kids won't be admitted to kindergarten without being fully 'up to date'. what gives the government the right to force such a personal decision onto millions of parents? We should have the freedom to decide what is right for our child, and what is not. And if you say that it's a public health concern, you're wrong. I'm sure many parents would still opt to vaccinate their children, and those who are immunized would be protected, and those who are not, would be able to catch the disease. I am much more confident in my child surviving chicken pox, measles, etc. than I am confident in the pharm companies being honest about their products. It seems like every day there is a new class-action lawsuit filed for the "unknown" (and often fatal) side-effects of a particular drug. It is my freedom to opt out of the unknown side-effects. And if my children grow up and decide to get themselves vaccinated against this or that, then I will accept that as their freedom to choose to do so.
As the wife of a sailor and step-daughter of a soldier, I take these things so seriously. Every time we want to be judgemental or impose our views on others, we need to remind ourselves that the definition of "freedom to..." applies to everyone. As the great philosopher Voltaire once said, "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

Connect

2010-10-28T15:03:00.000-07:00

A few years ago my brother and I lost touch for no reason at all. It simply got to be that too much time had passed, and he felt it was too late to "call back". We reunited at my oldest brother's funeral and we said we'd never lose touch again. Neither of us had talked to Jonny in years, and now we'll never be able to. Well here we are again, a year's gone by, and nothing. So often we just "loose touch" with people we were once close to, and feel like it's been too long to start communication again. What I'd like to share now, is a prime example of how important it is to take that leap.
I recently decided to write a person a letter, whom I don't even remember. It's been over 20 years since I've seen this person, but he played a pretty important role in my life for a few years. I wanted to know who he was, and how I was, and maybe get some more answers on who I am now. I wrote the letter on a whim never expecting a response, but after two weeks received a letter and a card.
That was back in August. Since then we have been communicating on a fairly regular basis, though it has been slowing. With everything I have to do in a day, sending an email gets pushed to the bottom of the list, and often falls off at the end to get tacked on the next day's to-do's. I did take the 5 minutes yesterday to get it done, but this whole experience has taught me a few things.
1. Once you have a connection to someone, it is there indefinitely. Whether that connection is positive, negative, or a little bit of both, it'll always be there.
2. Take the 5 minutes it takes to keep it alive. Even if it's one phone call a month, it's worth doing. We're all busy people. But how many people can you name in the next minute, that you used to consider 'close', and haven't talked to in ages? How many friends do you have on your Facebook that have had another kid, gotten married, etc. and you didn't even know?
3. People aren't going to be mad at you because you've lost touch. It happens to everybody at some point. If years go by and you finally decided to pick up the phone to say hello, I almost guarantee that your call will be welcomed and appreciated.
I hope this encourages you to reconnect with someone today. Or this week. When you are old and looking back on your life, you're going to miss all the times you could have had.

Trust

2010-09-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

During my never-ending search for enlightenment, I've come across a common theme. It's one we could all accept to make our lives a little easier so I've decided to write about it in hopes of reaching a few of you. As you may know, I follow Taoism and have for the past few years. Every once in a while I have a moment that confirms something I've learned and amazes me, still. In the 55th verse of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-Tzu states, "He who is in harmony with the Tao is like a newborn child. Deadly insects will not sting him." Translated in my interpretation: if you believe you are connected to everything, and do not have fear or hatred in you, then there is not a creature that would wish to harm you. Newborns are so close to nature; in awe of everything, and are accepting of everyone regardless of their race, creed, nationality or gender. They have no intent on harming. At the park Saturday, a yellow jacket or wasp, I'm not sure which, landed on Alex's face. I internally panicked and before I had time to act, Alex swatted it. I thought about all of the yellow jacket attacks I had heard about this summer that were sending adults without allergies to the hospital because the venom was getting more potent. I searched his face where the insect had landed and there was not one mark. You may think I'm crazy or roll your eyes, but I believe the insect sensed his innocence. If it had been me, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have had a baseball sized welt on my face.
So now to the issue of trust. You all have experienced a moment when life just didn't seem fair. That things didn't go your way, and you wanted it so badly, it physically hurt. You felt sorry for yourself, cried, punched a wall, or even spent some time curled up and hugging your knees. The death of a loved one or the death of a dream are both things worthy of such emotions. When you say you just don't understand 'why', you are right. Believe that it is not for you to understand. When we are children and want a cookie before dinner and our parents tell us no, we don't understand the reasoning behind it. While some throw a tantrum and scream and kick, other kids trust that there is a reason their parents said no. They might ask 'why', but will accept the ever-prevailing, "because I said so". Sometimes that's the only answer we need as adults. We can't always understand the reasoning behind what goes on in life, but we can understand that there is reasoning that's bigger than we can comprehend at this stage of our existence. I have found much peace in this way of thinking. Not knowing the reasons, but trusting that there are reasons. There is a perfect plan and we are all a part of it... regardless of how we want it to be.
Take of this what you will, but if it's a new concept to you, I encourage you to give it a try.

Port Townsend

2010-09-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

Sunday was such a beautiful day. It was a little chilly, but by the time we got up to Port Townsend, the sky was clear, and the sun was bright. We decided to go up to Fort Worden, which is a WWII military site. They have camp grounds there, if you're into camping, but we were just there for the day. There is a concrete base built right into the side of the hill. It was a little scary taking the kids through the fort because there are a lot of places where it would be easy for them to fall 10+ feet onto the concrete below, so I suggest leashes for your toddlers (hey, I was totally against it too, until Matt became mobile. I'm sure that "leash" has saved his life a least a couple of times.) We really didn't do too much up there besides walk up the beach and explore the fort, but it was such a nice day. None of the kids could run very fast on the sand, which made it much easier to let them run free. There was a ton of driftwood that they could climb over, rocks to throw in the water, and a few crab claws to take home as souvenirs. It has been such a long time since we've been able to have a family outing that was as stress-free as this. I totally recommend this trip if you're looking for an inexpensive way to spend the day with your family.

Nate's First Day

2010-09-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

(picture will be coming once my computer stops being stupid)

Nathan never wants me to pick out his clothes. I knew he was nervous this morning because he asked for my help. We spent time doing his hair, making sure his teeth were "super shiny", and I made his lunch, which I cut the crust off of his sandwich. I never do that, and usually tell him to eat around it, but today was a special day. I even put a mini kit-kat bar in his sandwich container so he could have a little surprise if the day wasn't going so well (hopefully, he won't expect this all the time). We were way early getting ready, so we sat around, me more nervous than him, I imagine. Nathan's bus stop is at the top of our street. It's a little too far for him to walk by himself, so I opted to pile the kids in the car to drive him up, especially since it was raining. One of the boys at the bus stop was actually in his class, which I thought was great. He still seemed nervous until the bus came. As soon as he saw it, he couldn't get away from me fast enough!

The day itself was a little weird, and way too quiet. I am used to having to pick the kids up at 11:45, and his bus wouldn't return until 3:45. Drew did enjoy having the Wii to himself today, though. At 3:30 I loaded the kids into the car after much internal debate of whether or not we should just walk. I decided on the car, because I didn't need to be chasing Matt in and out of the street. We parked for what seemed like forever. Alex started getting fussy, so I got him out of his seat and held him while standing outside. He was way overdue for a nap, and not too happy. We finally saw the bus coming, so Alex and I started walking to where the bus would let the kids off. There are a lot of kids at our stop, so I waited patiently. And waited. And then the bus driver shut the door, folded in the side 'STOP' sign and started to drive off. Holy crap!!! Another man and I were trying to get her attention, me flailing one arm and half flailing the one holding Alex, and he was yelling. She drove away.

I ran back to the car, strapped Alex back in, and by this time the bus was gone. Luckily I had researched the bus rout out of curiosity earlier in the day. "Well guys, we're going to have to go find Nate." I said to the boys, who could have cared less and were deeply into Surfs Up. I had to wait for all of the kids who were walking home to get out of the way so I could try to get ahead of the bus, and see what was going on. I found another stop and asked a mother there if she was waiting for bus **. She was. When it stopped I ran to the door, in the way of all the parents with their cameras pointed waiting to capture this momentous occasion. "My son... was supposed to get off... at 72nd." The driver looked at me, horrified. "What's his name?" she asked. "Nathaniel" I said, still a little out of breath from the major heart attack I just endured. She called his name over the speaker, and there he was.

As we walked back to the car, I asked, "where's your shirt?"

"Oh! I left it on the bus."

Other than this, he had a pretty uneventful and normal day at school. His best friend is in his class, and the teacher seems great. It's going to be an interesting year, but I would expect no less.

Pirates!

2010-08-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

Today was the last night the "pirate ships" were going to be in the Brownsville Marina. On a whim, Joe and I decided to take the boys down after dinner. We started by telling them about it. "Do you want to go?" we asked. "No! I don't want to see pirates!" Nathan screamed, and started the signs of an upcoming anxiety attack. I pulled him aside and said, "Nate, let me tell you a secret. The pirates aren't real." He felt much better about it and agreed to go. We got to the marina and park, and realized you can't really see the ships unless you walk down to them across a series of floating docks and bridges. The big boys were busy looking at the water, and the whole time I was fighting off my own anxiety attack. (If you didn't know, I'm hydrophobic.) We made it to the pirate ships in one piece after about 10 minutes of walking and they were closed for the evening. On the second boat, a guy came out, though not in costume (thank God). He asked us if we had any questions so Joe and I pulled some out of nowhere to avoid the awkwardness. One minute into our conversation, blood curdling scream. Nathan starts jumping around screaming and not taking any breaths. Now we are in full melt down mode. "It stinged me! It stinged me! Owww! It was a bee!..." Mind you we're in the middle of the inlet. Very low possibility of a bee being that far out. Joe tried to continue his conversation while I tried to quiet Nathan, and neither of us were successful. We finally accepted defeat and walked back down the path we came from with a screaming 6 year old holding his finger, a whole 90 seconds after we got there. Nathan would periodically stop, so at one point Joe ran his toe into the back of Nathan's sneaker... Ow! You broke my toe!! from Joe. Alex was just doing his thing, bobble head and all, and Drew as usual had no situational awareness of the water all around. Joe also had Matt up on his shoulders, who, not soon after pooed in his diaper while up there. When we got in the car and everyone was strapped in. I started to drive, but could barely see. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

Since we've had Alex, nothing has been easy. For us to go anywhere, it's a HUGE ordeal. There's always someone crying, someone pooping, afraid of something. It never ends, and I figure I'll take the phrase, "you'll laugh about it someday" and go ahead and laugh today. It's chaos, it crazy and frustrating... and I love it!

Lonely...

2010-05-23T13:10:00.000-07:00

I don't remember patrols being this... long. To keep busy, I've been chasing the Fantastic 4, had the house painted, changed out doorknobs, etc. am having new carpet installed downstairs... Joe's probably going to think he's come in the wrong house when he gets back! This was much needed though. We had so many plans when we moved in that just never happened because of popping out kids and such. It's an odd thing to be still enough for a moment to really examine your surroundings are realize they are not what you had seen them to be. So I'm trying to get them there. The boys keep me busy enough all on their own, but they're not much for adult conversation. My Grandma has been here since April, and I don't know where I'd be right now without her. Aside from the obvious help she's given me, just having someone else here to talk to has been a savior. Even with these positives I find myself feeling lonely from time to time and even feel a little guilty over it. I once read in psychology that people can feel the most lonely when they're surrounded by others that they can't relate to. Not that I can't relate to my children and Grandma, but there is something to be said about the relationship of a spouse. Never feeling the need to censer myself, or impress. Letting anything fall out of my mouth and not thinking a thing about it. The unspoken language we have when one of us knows when the other needs a break, or a cup of coffee. Joe brings an energy of joy and excitement when he's here, and we've all been a little lost without it. I can try to play with the boys but it doesn't come as natural to me. If Joe were here, Matt would be potty trained. He's ready, but he just won't do it for me. Joe could potty train any kid, because he is so positive with them. I know that's not really what he wants under his list of "talents" but it's true. I haven't taken pictures in a while, and maybe that would help the time. Here's to being a stereotypical navy wife (no offense, of course) who can't live without her husband. I always prided myself in Independence, and here I am; completely dependant on my better half.

THAT mom

2010-03-20T14:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday seemed like an awesome park day. The weather's starting to get really nice, so I do everything I can to get the kids out every day. After Matt took a nap, I packed up everyone and headed for the castle park. Everyone else in Kitsap County thought it'd be a nice park day too, cause it was packed! No worries. Since Alex hates the car, he spends most of our short trips screaming. I told the boys to stay in the van until I had Alex secure in the sling. Since he was already mad, this took a good 5 minutes and the kids got super anxious. Nathan had unbuckled Matt by this time, so he was ready to go too. I finally got Alex situated and went around to the other side to let the other three out. When I opened the door Nate and Drew bolted. Nathan looked something like this: STEP...STEP...STEP... FACEPLANT! SCREAM! Me in my head: Oh, crap! And I took the first aid kit out the car two days ago! I get Matt out, and mind you we are parked on the opposite side of the entrance so there is a dirt drive to cross. Nathan is half in the road screaming and holding his knee. (I also remembered to tell him to wear the pants with the hole in the knee so if they got too dirty when he was playing, oh well.) Now that hole left him open to a tiny... tiny.... not even bleeding scrape. I hand Matt off to Drew and tell him to take Matt into the gate so I can get Nate out of the road. OK, good. Alex's binky pops out and he starts again. Drew dashes for the gate, Matt following. Binky back in Alex's mouth, now Nate. I told Nate he needed to get out of the road and go into the park. "I can't!!! Whaaa!" Meanwhile some Dad coming into the park asks Nate if he needs help. I tell him he's fine, but thank you. I look up to see Matt dashing across the dirt road towards a parked old VW beetle. So I leave Nathan in the road to chase after Matt. Matt falls, and really hurts himself. I yell at Nate about the oncoming car and he barely gets onto the sidewalk. Matt is screaming in one arm fighting me for his freedom, and Alex's binky pops out... again. Three screaming kids. Another mom comes over and says to Matt, "you can play with my kids" She asks if she can take him in and by now I'm welcoming the help. I get Alex's binky back in, Matt's screaming with the stranger, and Nate still won't walk. I go back to him and say, "I don't have the patience for this. Stop being dramatic, it's just a scrape. Get up and walk!" He does so, whimpering and holding his knee as he walks. I had him sit inside the park to calm down, and rescued the other mom from a flailing Matt who's totally angry now. He doesn't want to play. He throws himself down, and kicks and screams. Binky pops out. Mad Alex. Nate's on the bench, whining. Where's Drew? Somewhere in fantasy land. I'm not sure how many parents pitied me, how many thought I was a bad mom, or how many thought this was my first day as the nanny, but they were all watching. To top it off, the whole time I had a giant green smudge on the side of my face from a marker, that I forgot to wash off. Awesome. I think we'll be sticking around the house a little more often.

Back in Blogland

2010-03-02T19:13:00.000-08:00

I know. It's been a crazy long time since I've done this, but I thought I'd give this another shot. If you're new, welcome! I don't have a whole lot of anything important to say, Just want to update friends and family with what's going on in our lives. Here's a recap: I'm going to school to hopefully get my MSW someday, but it's going slowly. Joe's back on a boat and will be starting up patrols again. Nathan and Drew are still in Montessori, Matt's still a goofball, and I've yet to introduce Alexander David Nunnally. He was born 2.9.10 at home, of course. Our biggest baby at 9 lbs 4.5 oz. He beat out Nate by a whole half ounce! Now he's about 10 lbs, and growing. The big boys took to him right away, but Matt's been a little slower. At least he doesn't try to hit Alex and run away screaming no! anymore. I'll try to be better at updating from now on when I find the time. There's always someone running/crying/barking/screaming/eating/destroying/peeing here, but we love it. Are we adding in the future? No. We're just trying to enjoy what we have.

Coffee

2009-09-03T10:34:00.000-07:00

I had coffee with a friend last night and had such a wonderful time. One of my favorite things to do since I was 15, is: go to a coffee shop with friends and just be. I could spend hours sitting and chatting. Not with kids of course. The boys seem to be more demanding of my attention lately, and it feels like lately I have less attention to give. For me, fall is always a time to start over. It's my new year. To get ready for the new year, I like to get things in order. I like having a plan for the next full year. While I have a plan now, I'm having a hard time getting anything accomplished. I want to organize things before the kids get back to school, but they make a mess of anything right after I do it. Their latest trend is taking all the sheets off their bed. I've tried to make them fix it, but they just can't. I clean for as long as I can but my hips and lower back are taking a major toll from this 4 oz baby, and I can only stand for so long. I have all the ambition in the world but don't have the ability to get things done (or keep them that way). I think the 2 1/2 hours 4 days a week in school for the "big ones" is going to be a nice break for all of us. They need to be challenged every day or they go stir crazy, and I just don't have the ability to keep them occupied every minute.
I have never feared having another child, but 4 seems like a hell of a number. 3 is a handful, but 4? Insanity. I guess I shouldn't be worried compared to a lot of families who do just fine, but I'm pulled in so many directions already I don't know if I have anything else to give. Obviously you make room, but who pays the toll? Joe will be back on patrols sometime next year, and I'm not looking forward to that.
I am hopeful for the future as always. I'm sure #4 will settle in just fine with the rest of us, and will bring us just as much joy as our other boys have. After doing a photo session for a friend and having such a great time I think this is something I'd really like to do. I'd love to do weddings also. Still far from being there, but getting there. I love psychology too, but I get so attached to people and definitely overly emotionally involved. I know I'd cross a line somewhere. Plus I have spoken to a few people in the profession or former case workers who put up a big "don't do it!" sign when I ask them about it. That's not a good sign. They can't all be wrong. I'll finish my degree for now, and we'll see where it goes.
So for an hour I felt human again while I sipped my tall non-fat no-whip white mocha and was able to ponder some of these things. I'm going to get it in now because I know with 4, there will be no time for coffee.

Amanda the... optimist?

2009-08-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

Apparently. I picked up a copy of Psychology Today because it had a headline article that was supposed to help you retrain your brain into being what you want to be. One of the main focuses of the article was changing your thoughts to be more optimistic. While I would normally NOT consider myself to be an optimist, reading the article I discovered I have one major optimist quality... making things better and figuring things out instead of giving up. If I don't have the money to do something, I figure out a way to raise it. If I get sent the wrong pieces to a Pottery Barn Playhouse and don't find out until Christmas eve, I still find a way to put it together. (Not without an hour of frustration and throwing things, but we did it) I'm always scheming, dreaming, and planing. I'll work on a problem until I get it. I am not always calm, cool and collected while doing so and am actually quite the opposite, but I do it. I loved figuring out loans (as stressful as it was) because it was a problem in which I could manipulate variables to make it work. I rarely take no for an answer, and I realize there is not much that I want for. I'm not talking material things, but life experiences in general. There are times when I have seen dreams and desires fly out the window and I "say" I'm letting it go, but I never do. There is always some part of me that holds on to every aspiration I've ever had because I know someday I'll make it happen. Reading this article was actually good for me. It shed some much-needed positive light on my self-schema. (oh yeah, learned that one in Social Psych and used it in real life!)

Putting in the Time

2009-08-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

For the longest time I have felt like I am walking with a fuzzy brain, and no comprehension of where I am or where I'm headed. I have been dreaming in many different directions, and haven't taken a step in any of them. I've been in this cloud for almost a year now, and it's finally lifting. I used to make a 20 line list (no exaggeration) of things I was supposed to do for the day. I'd even have to write down the simplest things like, "check ______ blog". I know, ridiculous.

I am finally letting go of the need to rush into everything, be it photography, school, and any of my other big ideas. All good things come in time. I usually get so wrapped in the goal of the end result I forget to enjoy the steps it takes to get there. I wanted to get there without the experience. Wanted the degree without having to work for it. I had so much trouble with one of my classes, I almost quit school together. Now that I'm almost done (and doing well), I realize that it really wasn't that bad, but it was work. There's a reason they don't hand out degrees and not everybody has one. Even photography, I thought I could jump in and in a couple of months, shoot like a professional. It's the experience that makes the professional. You can learn about all the greatest techniques, but until you master them, your photo's just won't be good. As an "experienced" mom, I'm doing better, but there's a lot I haven't had to deal with yet. Grandmother's are respected because they've been through it (two generations worth). I'm almost a quarter century old, and I've experienced a lot for my age, but not nearly enough for a lifetime. I don't want to be a jack of all trades, I want to be a master of some. I have jumped from instrument to instrument (I own 4), craft projects, to the dreams of a small business (several), volunteer project, to book after book that I've never finished. I'm taking two sociology classes right now, and let me tell you were they appropriate. Reading things and saying, "hey that's me" and understanding me has been such a wonderful, even if at times heartbreaking, experience. I know I'm not an expert and don't pretend to be. But maybe someday I'll have a Master's and I'll get there. For now, I feel enlightened like I am reading chapters about me and I'm understanding all the things that I hated about myself. With understanding, comes forgiveness. I can let go of a lot of the guilt I've carried for years over really simple things. I have in no way reached any of my end goals. But I'm committed enough to do the work, walk the miles, invest the time, and I'm getting there.

July...

2009-07-31T08:30:00.000-07:00

Has been crazy. Between vacations, school, visitors, more school, a heat wave, and the normal day-to-day events, I'm exhausted. My classes have kept me much more busy than I expected. I didn't realize they are condensed summer classes, so I'm doing the work of 12 weeks in 8. I'm not sure I'll do online classes again. I much prefer the face-to-face interaction. It's almost over and thank god. Then I'll have 2 weeks of rest before it starts all over again! If I have learned anything from this, it is the importance of going to school before you have adult responsibilities. It's bad enough to stress over an unexpected bill, forget throwing a 20 page report on top of it.

We spent 2 weeks in RI at the beginning of the month, and had a great and very busy time. I don't think we had a moment to rest, but it's just as well. There were still so many things we didn't do and people we didn't see, that we really could have used another 2 weeks.

Matt is walking pretty well now, and has finally accepted defeat over shoes. He hates them, but has stopped protesting by not walking every time we put his sneakers on him. I'm with you, man. If I could be barefoot all the time, I would. I have given exception for this heat wave though. The boys have spent most of it in their underwear. Again, would if I could.

And... happy birthday to Matt! We did a small family party for him this year. I realized a 1st birthday party is for the parents and not really the kids (after throwing 2), and he wouldn't care more either way. So he got a couple balloons, cake, a new car seat, and a few small toys from his brothers. it was a long day for him, so he ended up going to bed early. I hope the summer slows down a little bit. We only get a month of nice weather per year, and I need to be reminded of it so I don't lose it in the fall/winter/spring months. I know the gray is coming.

Nate's Happy 5th

2009-06-23T13:09:00.000-07:00

Friday, my oldest baby turned 5. He is so excited about it. Now, he wants to put his socks on 'all by himself because that's what 5's do'. Seriously cute. His party almost got rained out. Since we've had awesome weather for the past 4 years we thought we'd have it at the park. On the way to the park to set up we heard thunder. Seconds later we saw lightning. Awesome. We get one thunderstorm a year which I am so grateful for, and it had to come today. We decided to go ahead and set it up anyway, hoping within the hour till the party, the rain would stop. Well, setting up was a nightmare. Plates, napkins, and table covers flew everywhere. I lost a bunch of balloons that got untied in a sweeping gust of wind. The boys kept trying to play on the (metal) equipment every chance I wasn't looking. I did the best I could, and explained to Nathan that people might not come because of the rain. He replied, "Well, that's OK. We can just have a party, just us!" Trooper. Well people did come. Not as many as we expected on paper, but more than we expected that hour! All the kids had a great time. It did clear up for a little while and we had the whole park to ourselves! (imagine that. no one else wanted to be at the park that day) When the clouds started rolling in again, we decided to call it a day. Special thanks to Justin and Jeremy for helping pack up, taking photos, and wrangling kids. And Joe saved the day with the treasure hunt. I had the idea, but couldn't think enough to execute. He's awesome for saving the day last minute. And... we get to do it all over again at Little Man Matt's party in July! ... Though I think we'll have it at the house in case it rains! Happy Birthday Nate! You are growing up.

Per Nathan's Request...

2009-06-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, Nate and I went for a walk after dinner. It was nice being able to spend a half hour with him, and only him. He is the kid I get the least one-on-one time with. Towards the end of the walk, he said, "Mom, I wish you were a little girl so I could play with you." Yeah, tear. I said, "Nate, you can play with me whenever you want to. I will always be here if you need me." (extra tear because I try as hard as I can to play with (etc.) the kids every day. ) He pauses. "Would you just grow another baby? And make it a girl. I really want a sister." I laughed out loud and felt bad for that, because I knew he was being serious. I told him it was a little more complicated than that, but if I do grow another baby, I'll try to make it a girl.

Two weeks (and two pregnancy tests) later, we are expecting our 4th baby in February. At first I didn't quite believe it. Physically, I don't feel pregnant. But when I woke up Monday morning, I had a calm knowing in my gut. It's hard to explain. I felt it with previous pregnancy's, so by now I know to listen to it. Joe seems pretty happy; he called his co-workers within the hour of discovering the news. Drew could have cared less, but I wouldn't have expected more. Matt has no idea what he's in for, and his days as "baby" are numbered. Nathan, is over the moon. He's already kissing my belly. I have never seen a little boy get so excited over a new baby. He was the same way with Matt, and loves him to death. He is a fantastic big brother. (Not as much to Drew, but still pretty good) I worried a little about telling him too early because I have miscarried in the past, but I suppose I'll just hope for the best so we don't have to break his heart.

As for me... I smile at the thought of a new little person. I am sad over having to move Matt up so quickly, just as I was when I discovered I was pregnant with Drew. And Matt. The boys will have to rearrange their rooms. We haven't even painted them yet as they are. I started on Drew's, and got ONE coat of primer up 3 weeks ago. I feel like we've let them down by not placing the importance on it that we should have. Nate and Drew will never have their own rooms again. At least not for a while. Matt will be caught somewhere in the middle, not quite old enough to hang with the 'big boys', but just a little too old to hang with 'new one'. I know I fear change and it takes me a while to come around to new ideas. Especially those involving new members of the family. Having #4, (4, holy crap, 4) to me was sort of a surreal idea, like going to Paris. I've thought, planned, and dreamed, but now that I'm on the plane, I'm white knuckled griping the armrest. I believe in my life's path. I follow it with 100% trust. I just really hope this one's a girl.

Summertime!

2009-06-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite summer songs by Sublime. I bought that CD twice, and it got stolen twice. Still one of my faves. But aside from that, summer is here in full swing. I had to make a trip to the store on Sunday, and inflatable pools, pool accessories, brightly colored plastic ware, and beach towels seemed to cover almost every inch of the store. I smiled and thought, "I love summer." and then I thought, "I really love all seasons." Every couple of months I get excited about the months to come. So now I am excited about Summer. Nate's been off of school for the past couple of days. They decided to cut school off short this year, (which did annoy me, but oh, well), and it's been nice to get up in the morning, and not have to rush out the door. It's a much more peaceful morning.

The boys have their first sunburn of the season. It's pretty bad. We're on day 5, and they're doing much better. Nate's blisters are shrinking, and they might actually be able to put a shirt on today. (yes, it is as bad as it sounds.) I'll take this as a learning experience though, and put sunscreen on them before I send them to anyone Else's house.

Nate's birthday party is coming up, and I am not even close to being as organized as I should be. I am sending out invites today, and the party is in three weeks! It doesn't leave me a whole lot of time to get RSVP's and order supplies based on those RSVP's. I hate over-buying, especially online. We're doing a pirate theme this year, and he is really excited. I'm starting to plan Matt's, too. I am lost on a theme, but I'll think of something. I wish their birthday's were further apart. It would give us more time to recoup (financially) before having another party! At least Drew's is in the fall. But on Thanksgiving, so his is a hard one, too. He wants to do McQueen (again. 3rd year!). If it makes him happy...

But it is beautiful summer again, the best time in WA. It almost makes me not want to leave. Almost. I'm really itching to move somewhere with 4 complete seasons, a good area to grow our own veggies and fruits, and closer to home. I am hoping for Connecticut, but most places on the east coast would do just fine.

The Eye of the Storm

2009-05-06T13:29:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched a Dr.Phil episode that inspired me. Really, there was one phrase that did it. He was talking to a mom having trouble with her kids and was losing it herself. (sound familiar, anyone?) He told her, "Be the calm in the storm." I milled this over in my head for a while. Our house is chaotic, at best. There is always someone screaming over a stolen toy, cookie, etc. There is usually a parent yelling to follow. This morning I woke up at 6, and read a verse from the Tao Te Ching. It spoke mostly about letting the creative flow of the Tao flow through you. While every day I try to put to practice something I've read or re-read, today I decided to add to it; I would be the eye of the storm. Instead of fighting with Nathan to get dressed I told him, "You can either get dressed, or wear your pajamas to school." He replied with, "I'm not going to school." I repeated my line and left him alone. He did not get dressed for a while. I finally told him he had 10 minutes till we had to leave. He came downstairs 3 minutes later dressed, teeth brushed, and with socks in his hand. (He still needs help putting them on.) When I told Drew to put his boots on he told me, "I don't want to!" And I said, "OK, but if you don't, your feet are going to be very wet because it's raining." He immediately jumped up to find his boots. The day went on like this, and now both of them are in bed taking their nap. It works. For so long I have tried using force, and punishment to make them do things. I took away the confrontation, and now I see they are perfectly capable of making their own choices and most of the time, it's the best one. Maybe they're just in a great mood today, or it's the rainy weather, but I really hope I have found something that works. My Grandfather is this kind of calm force. From his own kids, to grand kids and now great-grand kids, he has never had to raise his voice... once. He's always had a way about him that I envied. Like he has a rosy Ora that just came naturally, and all people respond to it. His wisdom and insight astounds me, but not so much as the calm. I think I have found that in me, and I realize it's not that easy to obtain, but possible. The basis for living the Tao is finding true inner peace, so you can always be the calm in the storm. No matter what is going on around you, you are centered enough so it doesn't effect your spirit. Today, put to practice, it's an amazing feeling.

Zippity-do-da!

2009-05-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

The weather here has been stupendous. It's been sunny and bright starting at 6:30, and I've been able to drag my sorry butt out of bed at a decent time. (though I've been taking a heavy dose of my iron supplement too since my anemia has gotten pretty bad. I'm sure that helps a little) The kids and I have gone out every day, and it's made an amazing effect on my mood. I'm not sure how much longer we can live in Washington because I can't do this 5 month rut much longer! I also LOVE this time of year for pictures... it's almost impossible to get bad shots! So if you can't tell I'm completely the example of "zippity-do-da...!" It's almost scary. I just have this unbelievable sense of inner peace and happiness right now. I hope it lasts forever.

I'm still alive... if you were wondering!

2009-04-20T13:20:00.001-07:00

I know I haven't blogged in forever, and I can't say it's because I've had nothing to blog about... really, I'm not sure what's been going on. I feel like I'm constantly busy and barely take the time to sit down, but at the end of the day I look around and think, "so... what did I do today?" I'm sure many of you know the feeling. I'm on Twitter now, too, but I have to accept you to follow. I really don't want anyone creepy following me! So much to say...

I went to FL for a few days in the middle of March to see my mom. My Grandma was visiting as well, and it was a really nice (and much needed) vacation. Joe encouraged me to go. He had to because I was so weary of leaving the kids. If it were left up to me, I probably wouldn't have been able to leave. I almost took Matt with me, but realized how crazy I was. It's just really hard for me to leave Matt cause he's the baby. I knew the other boys would be fine but my baby... I came home with everyone intact, so now I think I need to do it more often!

Aside from that, I've been going to work, hired a babysitter, and am enjoying the sunshine. Yesterday we got the boys' power wheels out, so they could be outside. Drew's wasn't working, but they shared Nate's just fine. I took them out again today, put Matt in the grass and took some pics. It's hilarious watching Matt in the grass cause he doesn't know what to think of it. He's afraid to touch it! I'm sure with a few more outings, he'll get used to it.

I fell off with photography for a bit, because I 'just didn't have the time'. Well, I need to make time for it cause it's something I really love. So I took these few pics, and it was a blast. Real estate is going OK; I'm not doing a whole lot though. I'd like to be, but trying to build up clientele again is harder than I thought it'd be. I've been back for 2 months, and nothing. Not for total lack of trying (I'm sure I could be trying harder), it's just not a great time. I am going back to school soon. Joe encouraged me to do that, too. I need to finish something, and I'm halfway there. I'm excited about that, but I'm going to take it slow so I don't burn out too quickly.

We went to the Submarine birthday ball and had an awesome time. It's fun to get dressed up once in a while. When I came downstairs to leave Drew said, "Mommy, you a princess?" Awe. I said, "Yes Drew, I am." I love that boy.

Ah. Like I said earlier, everyday I feel like I've gotten nothing accomplished, but I never rest. just like the past month. What have I been up to? Everything and nothing.

The Search is over!

2009-03-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

After telling a friend of mine that I was searching for a babysitter, she said she was offended that I didn't ask her. On top of that, she said she'd do it for free. She also needs a sitter from time to time, so I guess it'll work out for both of us. (Though I think I got the better end of the deal... she's only got one kid, who's pretty easy to take care of. My three...? They're pretty good I guess. {insert evil laugh here} ) So another meeting tomorrow morning at the office. I feel horrible because for the past week, I pretty much fell off the face of the earth as far as the office is concerned... Monday afternoon: a few hours after I came home I came down with this horrible fever/sickness, and was pretty much on my butt for three days. I still have a really bad cough that kind of makes you not want to be around me, but at least I can move now! I was coughing throughout the last meeting, and I'm sure it made a wonderful impression. I think I'm getting back into work. I'm trying. Baby steps.

The Search is On!

2009-03-05T14:55:00.000-08:00

Now that I've decided to go back to work, I'm in search of a Nanny. Well, really babysitter. I know that I have friends to ask for help with the kids, but it's so easy for either side in that situation to feel like they're being taken advantage of, underpaid, etc. Plus the majority of the people I know have jobs themselves , and I need to know that my schedule isn't going to conflict with their work schedule. I'm interviewing a few people, but it's so hard to really get to know a person in a 20 minute interview. Especially because now I have Matt and he's so young; it would be easy for something to happen to him and me never know the truth because he can't talk. (aside from mamama, dadada, babababa) On the plus side Nate has an excellent memory and is a total tattle-tale. We'll see how it goes!

A Boy Alone on a Swing

2009-02-20T16:47:00.000-08:00

Drew. Usually when people ask me about my kids, if they know them, I will say, "Drew? Well, he's just... Drew.". I love the boy to death. He is adorable, says funny things at the right moments, and is unbelievably sweet. But, MY GOD... he is so ridiculously stubborn. He doesn't listen to anything, and he doesn't share his toys. Every morning I have to plan at least 10 minutes to get out the door and into the car, because I have to say, "Shoes on, coat on, no toys, get in your seat, sit down..." 50 times. I can only describe it as some invisible barrier between the two of us, where anything I say just doesn't get through. I think he has all the intentions of doing what he is told, but he just doesn't. Everything is a battle: eating, taking a nap, going to bed, taking a shower, getting dressed... I'm exhausted by 10 am. I do pick my battles. I let him choose his clothes so he won't fight me there, I let him wear his rain boots when it's sunny, I only give him what I know he'll eat, and he still fights me every step of the way. Drew does what Drew wants to do, and he doesn't give a hoot about anyone around him. Honestly, I love it. He doesn't care if his hair's not done and he looks goofy (Nate is particularly careful with that), he'll wear whatever hat he feels like wearing at that moment, and he proudly parades his 2 blankies, teddy bear, and stuffed dog where ever we go. He loves clothes that are loud, and expressive. He chose the hideously ugly McQueen hat at Disney, and it's his favorite hat. (picture a giant stuffed McQueen car sitting on your head. Yeah, that's it) He loves Wubbzy, a totally goofy cartoon. All of this, describes him. So when I say, "He's just Drew" people get it. I know when he's in school he won't be swayed by what's popular, and I'm sure he'll be popular because he has such confidence in everything he does. I admire it of him. All this being said, I'll get to the events that threw me into this blog.

It was our usual morning, but this morning we were going to a moms group event after we dropped Nate off at school. So everyone (including me this time) had to be ready to go by 9am. At the group, he refused to play upstairs. And of course, getting him to clean up was a battle. So we come home and I make PB&J for lunch, which he decides is better for playing with a squishing between 2 plates. I told the boys I would take them to the park, but I needed to clean for a little before we left. They were told to pick up the toys. Not only did he refuse to do it, but somehow got into some stickers and had them all over. "Clean up the stickers." Yeah right. I sent him to his room since he wasn't helping and he wouldn't stay there. Since I didn't have the time to hold the door shut, I decided to just ignore him. (It's easier than fighting a battle I know I'll never win.) I was tempted to cancel the park, but Nate was being so good and helpful, I didn't think it was fair to him. We had our usual 10 minute trip from the front door to the car, and Drew decided to unbuckle his seat belt on the way. I picked up a friend and her daughter, and we left for the park. I was so frustrated with him by this point, it would have been punishment to me if I made him sit with me. He came over once and said, "Mom, I need help." I said, "If you can't do it yourself, don't do it." I was in no mood to get up and play. A few minutes later I saw him sitting in a swing. He sat there for 5 minutes, still. I had the urge to get up and push him, but I didn't. He eventually got down and did something else. He got into it with some other girl over a toy, and I took him to the car while my friend pushed Nate on the tire swing. We went home, my friend took Matt for a few hours, and I put Drew down for a nap.

Now I am here, blogging, and I can not get the image of Drew sitting on the swing by himself waiting for me, out of my head. I am typing, and crying, and I feel horrible. Parents are supposed to be bigger... not let their emotions get in the way of their child relationships. I should have gotten up. I let him down. Sitting there, to me he was a crushed little boy let down by his mother. To anyone else, he was a boy, alone, on a swing.

Another reminder...

2009-02-18T16:00:00.000-08:00

that my little boy is growing up. Nate has his first loose tooth! It also happens to be the first baby tooth he got. I called the dentist just to make sure this wasn't some accident I was unaware of, but she said, "no, this is about the right age. He's fine." Sadness. It's not enough that he's reading, doesn't crawl into our bed anymore, and can pour himself a drink if he's thirsty. Now he's got to go and loose his baby teeth. I absolutely can not believe he's getting so old so quickly. I celebrate all of his achievements, but I also want to freeze him where he is right now for a little longer. When he showed me his tooth I told him, "hey, you can put it under your pillow and the tooth fairy will come and leave you some money!" he replied, "Mom, the tooth fairy's not real."while he rolled his eyes at the notion. He can't even believe in the fricken tooth fairy! His brain is so much older than his body, it's crazy.

On another sad but celebratory note, Matt is crawling! How the hell is this happening? He's supposed to be my newborn, my sweet little baby. No, my sweet little baby is on the move, wearing 12 month clothing, and throwing tantrums. He won't eat baby food any longer either, so there's another sign.

Drew is growing up too; he argues about everything, and he talks well enough to understand what he is arguing about. His new favorite phrase is, "By my-self!". He doesn't want help with anything. I can't pick out his clothes, help him with his shoes... he is so independent. And as he's always been independent, now he has the ability to do a lot on his own. I know he'll flourish at school next year, but holy crap, he'll be in school. AND... he'll be almost 4. I don't mean to sound like every other parent in America, asking, "where did the time go?" But it's so true. Where did the last 5 years of my life go, because I feel like I missed it. I know there are so many little things the kids have done that I've forgotten about, and I really wish I could remember them forever. Thank god I have an obsession with catching every moment on camera, so I can at least go back to those pictures and reminisce.

Conclusion: enjoy it. Enjoy the tantrums, enjoy the fights, the milestones, and enjoy waking up at 4 am to a kid having a nightmare, cause pretty soon they won't need you to rock them back to sleep.

Normal, anyone?

2009-02-03T13:44:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, Joe found out that if he were to get out of the military, it would be after the 10 year mark. If you are military or know someone who is, you understand how crucial a point that is when deciding what to do with the the next 10 years. It's the halfway point to a life-long retirement check, or the point at which you say "abandon ship!" and get out before it sucks you in forever. When he came home and told me about this my thoughts cringed at what I knew he was going to suggest. Just a few weeks ago we were both dead set on getting out. "What's the difference of 9 years and 10 months, to 10 years and 2 months?" I asked. Well, apparently there's a lot more going on in the psyche when the number '10' creeps it's way into the equation. "A lot." he said. "It's all single digit numbers down till you get out." Yep. I was right. Honestly, I sank into a little pit of defeat. I hate patrols. I hate moving. I hate the uncertainty of the future. Will we be here in 5 years? Who knows! All of that can make a person very nervous. OK, makes me nervous. When I am without a plan for the next hour or the next 20 years, I get very uneasy. I need direction on a constant basis. We debated for several hours over the pros and cons of either side. I finally said, "I want a normal life, not a military life." Joe retorted with, "What is normal?" I was pretty quick to answer but he shot back saying, "who do you know that has a 'normal' life?" I honestly could not answer. The days of dad works a 9-5 while mom stays home with the 2.5 kids, with the picket fence enclosing this perfect American dream home, are gone. The only people I could think of with this arrangement were my Grandparents. In the world of now, I'm lucky that I am able to choose to stay home. Well, he had me at that question. "Normal" is in the eye of the beholder. In the end, I believe he'll be re-enlisting in October, and while it saddens me, logically I know it's the best thing for us.

Back in the Saddle???

2009-01-26T19:02:00.000-08:00

Today I received a call from the manager of a local real estate company, asking me if I'd consider getting back into the business and if so, set up a meeting to see what this company has to offer. I couldn't believe the timing of this call.

For the past week I've been seriously contemplating reinstating my real estate license. As frustrating as the job is (not to mention soul draining), a part of me misses having a decent income, and socializing with people over the age of 4. When it was good, it was great. When it was bad... it was horrible. It's hard living on commissions, but it would help us out so much right now.

I have not had my cell phone even charged for the past three months. A few days ago I decided to charge it up 'just because'. Then today I receive this call (on my cell) and who knows how long it would have been until I got the message if I had missed it. I really am undecided, but I believe whole-heartedly that the Tao will guide us to where we are supposed to be. If we fight it, our lives will have unnecessary hardships. If we follow our path, things will come together as they should, when they should. I'm not really sure what I'll do, but I've got a week or so to decide. I've been seriously pursuing photography and was going to start school in February. There'll be no time for that if I go back to work. Maybe this is the universe telling me I'm not cut out for the professional photography world?

"We're a slave to the money then we die..." -Bittersweet Symphony

Florida Beaches

2009-01-20T13:20:00.000-08:00

(these photos have not been through photoshop, but I wanted to get them up)

I love the beach. Love it. I've always lived not far from the coast (I mean 20 minutes) and I didn't realize how much I missed it these past 4 years. Florida has some kick-ass beaches with velvety white sand. Oh, but there's what I dislike about the beach. Sand. When you have kids, it's sand everywhere. Hair, fingernails, toes, armpits... everywhere. All over them, and mostly on you. My mom's friend didn't quite understand my hate of the sand, but he doesn't have kids and therefor never will. Nathan took to the water right away and wanted to dive in, but he's not that good of a swimmer and we told him not to go past his knees. Especially in the ocean, it only takes one strong currant Drew was not a fan of ocean water at all, and stayed as far from it as possible. By our second trip down, we convinced him to get his feet wet, but that was about it. Matt, being our water baby, we thought would love it. We couldn't have been more wrong. If his pinky toe brushed against the water, he'd scream like a banshee for 10 minutes. He stayed with Grandma under the tent. My mom had bought the boys some sand toys, and they had a great time making sand castles and sand pancakes, which Drew learned by trial and error aren't really edible. New Year's Eve we went to Naples Beach and had a picnic and watched the fireworks. Every time went in the air Drew would yell, "ka-boom, pa, pow! Ka bow!" It was hilarious. I do have one suggestion Naples Beach if you're listening: turn on the lights when a thousand people (literally) are trying to exit a beach at night. It was impossible to see and no one (including us) thought to bring a flashlight. Instead, there was a sea of open phones lighting our path to the stairs.

Joe and I were going to go out after, but the hour drive home (due to traffic) did me in. I was way too tired. Even with the sand, sand and more sand, the boys had so much fun it was worth it. I wouldn't go every day but if we lived close enough. maybe twice a month. Maybe.

Disney!

2009-01-20T12:43:00.001-08:00

We had such a great time at Disney. We spent most of our time at the Magic Kingdom, since it caters to the little guys the most. We stayed at the Caribbean Beach resort, which was really nice. They had an awesome pool with a kiddie area built like a giant pirate ship. We did the breakfast with the characters at the Polynesian, and that was awesome. Drew really took to Lilo and every time she came close to our table, Drew chased after her for a hug. Definitely do that if you plan on going. Nathan did his first big roller coaster, Thunder Mountain, and was so proud of himself. I took him on it since Drew was too small to ride, and Nate teased Joe about him being 'too scared' to ride on it like him. Joe went along with it and probably will for the rest of his life, cause Nate thought it was awesome that he was braver than Daddy.

Sadly, I suspect Nathan knows the characters are costumes. Drew didn't put it together, but I could tell Nate got it. Aren't 4 year old's supposed to believe in this still? I will say the moment that made the trip for me was during the parade on the last night we were there. 'Cinderella' was in the parade, (not a big furry costume) and Nate's face lit up when he saw her. He pointed and said, "Mom! That's the real Cinderella!" It was so magical for him, and I was ecstatic he still had something to believe. Jasmine blew Drew a kiss, and he was in love (again).

My only regret is that we just didn't have enough time. You would think 4 days is enough, but it just isn't. Especially with small children. They need to be able to take a break mid-day and chill out at the hotel or spend some time at the pool. Otherwise, they get tired and cranky around 4, and the day is done. The last day we did take a break, and were able to go back to the park refreshed. We will definitely be going again, soon. (FYI military: if you go in 2009, you get a free park hopper pass for everyone in your party. Worth it!)

Back! The first of many Florida blogs

2009-01-20T12:19:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone! No, I did not get lost and walk off the edge of the earth. We took a vacation to Florida that got extended, and I was without a computer (ugh). We originally going to be there from the 23rd of December to the 6th of January, but on the 5th of January, Drew and I became horribly ill. We were going to try and fly out anyway, but when we had gotten to the airport and were getting everyone out of the car, Drew puked. All over my Mom's nice new van. At that point, we decided flying with a sick mom and sick kid was not an option. Joe had to go since he was only on leave until the 7th, so we said hurried goodbyes, I was crying (I have no idea why) and left to return to my mom's.

The general consensus was that I would not be able to handle our children by myself (which I did resent. Have a little faith in the woman who succeeded with having a baby during a patrol who turned out to have colic, while parenting the 17 month old), my mom was going to help me fly back. Tickets for the immediate Saturday were outrageous, so it looked like the 17th of January would be our return flight.

While there the extra 10 days, I really missed Joe, and so did the boys. I didn't realize how much we actually do together on a daily basis. I know I always look forward to him coming home after work, but it's more than a reprieve from the kids. I missed my best friend.

The next couple of entries will be all about the FL trip, but I had to break it up because (1) there is so much to tell and (2) I never have that long to sit at the computer until the kids get rowdy or the baby wakes up. Enjoy!

Sick

2008-12-02T14:01:00.001-08:00

For the past 3 weeks or so, our entire family has been sick. I started with a cough/cold, then Nate had the cough. Drew got the stomach flu 2 weeks back, then a few days later, Nate had a bad fever that lasted for 5 days. On the fifth day, he started complaining about his ear hurting. I took him to the doctors, (at the Naval hospital which I loath ) and yep, ear infection. In all this my cold had subsided. Then on Sunday, Matt woke up vomiting, and couldn't keep anything down. Another stomach flu. He vomited one last time last night, and he's finally able to eat normally again. Well on Sunday, my cold came back in full force. So basically we're all hacking up our lungs, going through tissues at record speed, and we've made several trips to see the doctor, plus one ER trip when Nate's fever spiked to 104 after taking Motrin. Joe's had the same cough that I've had. Argh! We very rarely get sick in this house, and I'd really love to know what the hell is going on. I mean, rarely. Just thought I'd give an update on our family's health and hopefully we'll all be back to normal, soon. I've been wanting to take some Christmas pics, but nobody (including myself) is up to it at this point. So, they might be out after Christmas, but it will get done at some point!

Tis the Season...

2008-11-28T22:15:00.001-08:00

... For chaos. Thanksgiving was nice. We went to a friends house, and had a blast. It is nice to have friends around that you can spend holidays with when you're so far from family. It was a nice relaxing day, stuffing ourselves silly. Sadly after every Thanksgiving, comes the crazy rush of gift giving, long lines, traffic, and going from store to store trying to find the most popular toy of the season cause every kid's 'gotta have it'. I did brave Black Friday, for the first time ever. Though it was not as bad as I had imagined, it was so much busier than I like. I usually go to the store early afternoon on a weekday so I can avoid the big crowds. On the plus side, I got some awesome buys. Matt a.k.a 'Num Yummy' or 'Gigantor the man-baby' needed some new clothes desperately because we can't keep up with his growing, and I was able to get everything at least half price, if not better. The boy's Christmas shopping is completely done, for the first time so far in advance. YAY ME!

Today I took the boys to Hallmark for our annual trip to pick out a new tree ornaments. It starts the Christmas season so nicely, and they love picking out their own for the new year. Drew picked out Rocket from Little Einsteins, and Nate picked Wall-e (though he's never seen the movie). We got Matt a Winnie the Pooh 'baby's first Christmas'. We had to run into Safeway for coffee, and in there was a guy with a white beard wearing a Santa hat and red shirt. I pointed him out to the kids, and they were gitty and beaming with joy. We came home, set up the tree, and decorated it. It was an awesome trip down memory lane. My mom had sent all of her old Christmas stuff out to me over the summer. I let the boys hang all the ornaments, so at about 2 feet up there's a giant cluster, but they enjoyed it so I can't complain.

A few years back, I became really disenchanted with Christmas. I saw people around me becoming so greedy, that the point of the holiday had been totally lost. I'm not a christian so the religious aspect doesn't really apply to me, but family togetherness and making others happy is what I truly enjoy. I do still see a lot of greed and the spirit of 'gimme'. But starting traditions with our kids, and seeing how happy they are on Christmas morning has re-opened my heart to enjoying the season again. I love that they enjoy picking out gifts for other family members, because it makes me believe they get it, even at a young age. I feel bad leading them down the 'Santa story' road, cause we all know how that ends, but it's all so magical to them now. I wish I could see life through their eyes for a day, where everything is wonderous and amazing. Growing up takes a lot away, but when you're young you're in such a rush to get to the next milestone. I'm sure dozens of people told me to enjoy childhood, and I'd think: what do they know? I hope our boys listen to me because over here, the grass is dry and brown. Long live Santa!

"We grow up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe..." -Goo goo dolls, Name

Buried

2008-11-19T13:37:00.001-08:00

I found out recently that someone I admire greatly lost a child a few years ago. You'd never know it. She is happy, finds the beauty in all things and everyone, and takes the time to answer people's questions. She is encouraging, and patient. I have said so many times that if something ever happened to any of my boys, I could not possibly survive it. I don't know how any mother does. I live my life in 12 hour goals: did everyone make it through the night? Sigh. Everyone made it through the day! Sigh. Every so often we'll have a scare and it literally takes my breath and stops my heart. A few weeks ago I was in Matt's room putting clothes away, when I heard this horribly loud: crash! bash! smash! boom! crack! I ran into our room to find our 20" TV on the other side of the room, and our chest leaning over at an angle against the dresser. My mind went into panic until I saw Drew hidden in the 'A' made my the chest and dresser. He was a little frightened, and said "I climbed. It falled down." Our dresser was chipped, and our TV was no longer a TV but a pile of useless screen, plastic, and wires. I could have cared less. What if the TV fell on him? What if he didn't get off the chest, and he was caught in between the chest and dresser? It could have easily been the worst night of my life. It took a while for me to calm down from the scare. I still could care less about the material damage. I know how lucky we were that something worse didn't happen. I've never understood how people could say, 'Well the house burned down, but at least we got out', and really not care about the ashes. I get it now. Matt has been keeping us awake 24/7 lately, and we've been so tired and frustrated with the situation. I try to remind myself and verbally repeat, at least I still have him. At least he wakes up. No matter how crazy the kids are on any given day, it wouldn't even compare to a day when I had to face never hearing their voices again. I love that they can make me crazy.

I also thought after learning about this person, that you truly, really, never fully know... anyone. There are times I'd love to live a day in her shoes. She has a wonderful career, and amazing, outgoing, give-a-care-what-you-think personality. She also seems like a great mom. Now knowing what I know, I would never want to live a day with that grief. So, moral of the day: no one has the perfect life... perfect anything. Even someone you look up to and aspire to be may have buried secrets. We all put our best face forward because we want everyone to believe that we have it all. None of us, do.

Love Is Blind

2008-11-17T13:42:00.000-08:00

Friday night Joe got a phone call that is ex-girlfriend/high school sweetheart was murdered by her own husband. He shot her, her mom, and then turned the gun on himself. Apparently they had a pretty abusive relationship, and she finally said enough and got a restraining order. He tracked her down anyway. It was upsetting to hear, for so many reasons. One, it was someone Joe cared about. Two, it was frightening to think that someone who is supposed to 'love, honor, and cherish' another, would ever think of doing such a thing. He obviously was not in his right mind, but even so. Our kind thoughts go out to their families. There were so many innocent victims in this senseless act, and the majority of them are still here.

This story hits close to home on another level. I have a friend whom I love dearly, and always have. She has listened to my rants for hours, laughed at my jokes even if they aren't funny, and has been through late nights and early mornings, regretting the late nights. She is definitely the sister I always wanted. But she is in a bad relationship, and has been for a long time. Her boyfriend has been physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive from the beginning. She has left him a few times, but always lets him come back. "He's really doing better..." , "He'll never do it again..." I know I don't have the right to make her choices, or even really give my full input. I keep a lot of my thoughts to myself, but I get so frustrated I can't even think. I worry constantly. If I can't get a hold of her for a while, I'll google her name to see if there's a news article with her in it. This may sound dramatic, but I truly fear for her. When people get mad, they don't think strait. They can't. And if someone has that much anger in them and the physical ability to do something, bad things happen. Even if accidental, the one time it goes too far could have grave consequences. It just takes one time, where you can't take it back, and you don't get the chance to say you're sorry, or you'll never do it again. I know there is nothing I can do to convince her she's better off. She'll either realize it on her own, or she'll never get the chance. For now, I try to support every decision she makes and hope for the best.

Obama!

2008-11-05T17:07:00.000-08:00

I was really happy to see that Obama won the presidency. I am definitely a supporter and have been since he entered the race. While I am ecstatic about this and am very hopeful for the years to come, one BIG thing has been really bothering me...

For 3 hours on the TODAY show, they covered his victory. Awesome. He deserves it. But the main point they focused on was that 'history was made...' and 'first black president...'. I get it. We've never had a black president, and I think it's great that our country has evolved so much from where it was even 50 years ago. When I see Obama, I see an intelligent, kind, and ambitious man. I don't see a black man, or a white man (or both). I see a person who represents a better time to come, and a better future for my family. I see a man who deserves the position. I am bothered by the people who are greatly focused on his race. Yes, we have made great leaps in equality, but is it truly equality when we are still obsessed with someone's color? Positively or negatively? I am looking forward to the day when people don't see a person as white, black, or anything else. To a day when no one even notices race, because it truly doesn't matter. He got the job because he was the right man for the position. That's it.

That aside, I really am happy with the outcome of the election, and I know better days are here.

Here's to Goodbye

2008-10-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

Today I said a final farewell to a family we have been friends with for a long time. They're Navy, and are being transferred. I saw them drive away, and thought about how much I wished we had spent more time together. We did bar-b-q's and birthday parties, but not incredibly often. They have 2 children, and for both of us, life is hectic. The sad part about spending more time together, is that at some point, you know your friends are going to leave. That's what the Navy life is: never in the same place for a long time and even if you stay, everyone else around you doesn't.

In the past 5 years, I have said 'goodbye' to so many people. I've made so many fiends and lost them due to a relocation. Almost everyone I've gotten to know, has left. We always have the best intentions of staying in touch and through Myspace, occasionally we do. Not as much as I'd like, but we keep up on each other's family updates, and send 'happy birthday' shout-outs. I don't dislike Washington but whenever someone leaves, I feel jealous. They're starting out on a new adventure: seeing the country, meeting new people... and we're here. I guess I also feel slightly abandoned. Which may be childish, and I should be happy for them, but I'm not. And honestly, I don't really want to move. The only areas of the country we have the option of relocating to, I don't want to be. I'd ultimately like to say 'goodbye' to the military lifestyle, and go somewhere we chose to be, because we love it.

I'm not only sad for me, but also for my boys. They've made so many friends that they have had to let go of. They're young, and eventually the kids fade out of their heads as they get older, but throughout their entire childhood, they'll have to make new friends and say 'goodbye' to old ones at least every 3 or 4 years. It's heartbreaking to know this is the life they will have for the next 14 years.

I have been there through pregnancies, the birth of children, the long patrols, 'we're finally here!' parties and going away parties. For hospital stays, shopping trips, and 'my kids are driving me crazy!' phone calls. The friendships I've had have meant so much to me, and it's deeply saddening to have to let them go.

Boys...

2008-10-21T22:24:00.000-07:00

have the power to fill your heart then obliterate it within a minute. Some nights I am amazed at my boy's capacity of kindness. Other nights, I am left feeling like I don't know my own children. The male mind alone is foreign to me, as I am not male. And girls, it is different. Every thing about their thought processes, from the way they react to a verbal attack, to the way they weigh consequences or if it would be worth it to get into trouble anyway. Usually the answer to that one, is yes. I like being a mom of boys. The funny thing is, just like there is a great difference between boys and girls, moms of just boys are different too, and easy to spot. Moms of boys play harder. They have to have a pretty good sense of humor. And yes, that includes all of the 'uncouth' things too. I've learned that I don't have to be proper all of the time, which I have spent the majority of my life doing. Most of my very good friends growing up were male, and it was hard for me to let go of some of that then. Now that I am raising boys, I don't have a choice. I want to raise good men, who don't take themselves too seriously. Granted there is a time and a place for everything, but it's OK to let up and loosen up. Moms of boys may be a little rough around the edges, but I definitely believe it's a survival tactic. It helps to know that when they're grown I'll have a little mafia of protection, because no one messes with a boy's mom. And a son will always need his mother.

What I will add to this, is that there will always be a part of me that is sad for never having a daughter. Sometimes the sadness is so great, it gets me down for the whole day. I never expected I'd have one son, let alone 3! I'm not complaining about that, and I would not go back and change the gender of any of my children if given the chance, but I will always have this sadness. Joe and I really always planed on having 3 kids, so I feel like my chance is gone. After Matt's ultrasound, I felt that last chance slip away. And I'm not ashamed or too good to say I cried. A lot. It subsided, but every time we went to look at nursery sets or baby clothes, I would get sad or disgruntle. Eventually I felt better about it and welcomed our son with open and loving arms. But at least once a day, I think about all the things I will never get to experience as a mother. Ballet lessons, girl's days out, shopping for prom dresses. Planing a wedding. The mother of the groom gets to show up. I'll never shop for cute Easter dresses, attend a first ear-piercing (no, not OK with me for the boys), or supervise a makeover slumber party. To some, this may sound selfish and childish. I have three beautiful, perfectly healthy children, and I should feel complete. But I don't. And to be honest, I'm not sure I could go through the baby stage again. Babies are great, but they're a lot of work. Joe and I really didn't get ourselves back until Drew was about 2.5 and potty trained. Now we are slaves to bottles, Mylacon drops, and diapers. I just can't see starting over after Matt reaches that age when we'll start to feel like actual people again. As a Tao follower, I try to let it be what it is, without questioning the reasons and damning the outcomes. But on this one, it's hard to get over. I feel as though I will miss out on a lifetime of moments that I have dreamed about since I was 2. I read an article recently, where a mother was in the same position, and was feeling everything I am going through. The respondent said she had to grieve the loss as if it were the loss of a living child. When a person invests so much of themselves in a dream and it doesn't come true, it has to be mourned. Amazingly, that's exactly what it feels like for me.

For now, I will attend soccer practice, and karate lessons. I will put up with games of cops and robbers, as much as I despise pretending a finger is a gun. I will invest in toy dinosaurs, and Thomas the Train, and spend hours building intricate tracks and roads. And wonderfully, I'll enjoy every minute of it. But every time I walk by the Barbie isle or a row of dresses, I know I'll feel it again. Even for a slight second, it'll be there.

Baby Weight

2008-10-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

Mamas: Need I say more? The leftover baby weight can be the most frustrating and depressing part of motherhood. With every child, your carefree and fun-loving young self is chipped away and replaced with a worrisome, coupon clipping, worn out and fatigued much older version of you. Baby weight is just one more reminder that you will never quite be the same. Your body changes forever. I gained a ridiculous amount of weight during Matt's pregnancy (yeah, like 54 lbs), and I could not kick myself more today for all of the after dinner ice cream trips, and extra slices of pizza. I was slowly able to lose at least 2 lbs every week after the delivery, but got stuck at the same weight for three weeks. I was walking, (we bought a treadmill) eating well, and I wouldn't budge.

After being crazy frustrated for those three weeks, I learned of a program called Isagenix through a friend. I'm not one to go for "fast-result" gimmicks, or programs that promise you the world. But after my friend saw amazing results on herself, I thought it'd be worth a try. It was a little more expensive than I wanted, but oh lord, so worth it. Since starting the program 2 weeks ago, I've lost 12 lbs, and 2 dress sizes. No shit. I put on a pair of pants this morning that I had almost given up on. 2 sizes to go, and I am back to my pre-Matt me. Weight has always been a touchy subject for me, and just as I was going to give up...

Today I raise a lovely finger at baby weight, cause I've beaten you, once again! If you can't tell, today I'm over the moon. My only regret is not starting the program the day after the delivery!

Happy (wonderful) Birthday to Me!

2008-10-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

Friday was my 24th birthday, and was absolutely wonderful. The first "happy birthday" I got was at 3:00 am during one of Matt's midnight feedings. In the morning, all the kids wished me 'happy birthday', and gave me a hug. Even the kids I watch remembered when they showed up. My Dad called and sang to me, and it always makes me laugh. Joe and my Mom had been planning a HUGE surprise for (I think) about a month. He had given me a few hints along the way but they were too ambiguous for me to pinpoint what it was. Either way, I wanted to be surprised. Joe had put so much effort into it, I didn't want to spoil it. Friday I dropped off the kids at school and took Drew with me. I knew Joe needed me to get lost for an hour or so, so I decided to take back some 'too big' pajamas for Nate, and proceed to another store to try to find some that did. I came back a little too early apparently cause when I drove up, Kaela hopped in the car and said, "you can't be here yet." We went to Starbucks and had a white mocha while Drew munched on a Petite Vanilla Bean Scone . Joe finally called and gave the OK to return.

When we walked up to the front door there was a black and pink sign that read, "MANDY'S PHOTOGRAPHY". (The story behind that: when I was younger, I used to create photography 'portfolios' out of those free little albums that you used to get when you developed film at Wal-Mart) And at this point, I got it. We came in, and there was a home made cake with "Happy 24th Amanda", and 24 pink frosting flowers around the edge. We came into the dining/formal living area and there it was. Two large lights with umbrellas, and a backdrop hung up on a stand. There was another backdrop lying next to it, some mats, and a cube (that we're still not too sure exactly what it's for, but I believe it's to cover up a stool or something). I was ecstatic. Joe really had put so much thought into this, it was amazing. Then I read the card. The card itself was wonderful and really heartfelt, but the last sentence made me cry. "I believe in you". A few days prior I told Joe I was too afraid to think I didn't have the natural talent it takes to be successful, and that was scary for me. How awful it would be to fail at something you love. Knowing that he supports me 100%, means so much more than anyone could know. And as well as I know Joe, he wouldn't have put the money into it if he didn't think it was something worth pursuing. So I was already on cloud 9, and then another package showed up. In addition to my Mom going in on the studio equipment, she bought me the camera bag I wanted. I told her she was crazy, cause it was pretty expensive. My Mom is totally backing me in this endeavor as well. It's awesome to know that I have the support of my family. Without that, it would be hard to accomplish anything. As often as I am not listened to with the kids, I really feel I am heard by Joe, my Mom and Grandparents. They all make me feel so important whenever I need it the most.

Later on, Joe and I went to Outback while the kids were all at sitters. It was a really nice time, just the two of us. We actually had conversation, and were able to finish a whole meal. (which we stuffed ourselves retarded) This birthday was very closely tied with my 23rd, but I definitely think this one has come out on top.

Oh, Washington...

2008-10-05T18:05:00.000-07:00

you're back. The rainy season has returned full blast. It's saddening as much as it is relieving. Summer is such a ridiculously hectic and crazy time of year. Fairs, carnivals, visitors, trips, yard work, pools, parks... all the time. While fun, it can get overwhelming. Throw in the birth of a new baby and triple that craziness. When the fall comes, kids go back to school, all of the summer events are over, and things get a little calmer.

For me, Fall represents a whole other feeling altogether. I've always thought of September as my New Year's. Every new school year I could start over and try to be everything I wanted to. It always fell off by January, but nevertheless, I tried. My birthday is also in October and again, another number is another opportunity to start out trying to be what I wish to become. Obviously, this is my favorite season. I also love the weather itself: when it's not too cold to freeze you, but cold enough to wear a sweater and appreciate a warm home with the aroma of apples. My favorite Yankee Candle comes out this time a year: Autumn Wreath. I buy a few every fall, and love making the trip to Hallmark to get it. As corny as this sounds, the smell reminds me of making Swedish Apple Pie with my Grandma. We always made it this time of year. I need to get the recipe from her, so I can start the tradition with my kids. It's one of my fondest childhood memories.

So since my birthday is coming up (Friday), I've thought a lot about what I wish to accomplish in the year of the big 2-4. My biggest ideas so far include: Getting Healthy, pursuing my passions, decorating my house, becoming more money wise, and reading books I always wanted to, but said I didn't have the time for. For getting healthy I don't just mean losing weight (though I would totally not complain if I lost 30 lbs), but really being health conscience. Exercising more, eating a more balanced diet, etc. Photography is a long lost passion of mine that I have been in love with since I was 9, but I never did anything with. I'd like to pursue that so I can take photos I'm really proud of. As for my house, We've lived in it for over 6 months and we still haven't unpacked all of our picture frames, and tchotchkes. Our house just doesn't feel like our home yet. Money wise, enough said. We could all use a lesson, I'm sure.

Everyday I recite, "three frogs... three frogs..." to remind myself that at the end if the day, I want to be the one that jumped off. And by the end of the year, I want to be the one on the other side of the pond.

"Hard to get to know..."

2008-09-29T21:34:00.000-07:00

I love myspace. I've reunited with many friends that I thought were long lost. I keep in touch with family and distant friends, because it's so much easier than finding a moment to call when it won't be crazy loud in my house. (which it always is) I put a 'truth box' on my space and it's pretty fun. Usually people leave pretty nice things on there that are uplifting. Joe and I use our truth boxes to mess with each other leaving messages like: "you suck" or "you're gay". Don't worry, it's all in good fun and we mutually understand that. We've also left some pretty heartfelt messages for each other as well. About a month ago I read a comment that was sweet, and saddening. I have no idea who it's from, because the whole point of the truth box is to leave messages anonymously. There's no way of finding out who wrote it. The message was, and I'm paraphrasing: ' I wish we knew each other better. You are a great mother and wife. Probably very funny but hard to get to know.' (Not exact words but somewhere along those lines.) Hard to get to know. I have pondered over this phrase for the entire month. Sadly, it's not the first time I've heard it. I've been told by friends of mine that people feel I am 'stand-off-ish'. Friends have also told me, people have told them, they think I don't like them. Which is (mostly) untrue. I have had this issue since high school. It's saddening to know that I give off this impression. I have always thought of myself as a friendly person. Not that any one's denied that, but I guess there's a fine line between being just friendly... and... I don't know. I truly care about the people around me, and try to let them know. I keep up on the state of their families, and always try to remember birthdays. Truth told, I miss all of my relocated friends terribly, and do have moments of loneliness when I'd like to stop by their house, or make a trip to the mall. I've also always been a very open and honest person. If you ask me a question, I will not lie. I'm not proud of everything I've done in my life, but I would never deny it. So for that, I'd say I'm pretty easy to get to know. However the consensus says differently. I really am an open book, I have an open mind, and an open heart. I listen when people speak, and value every life. I'm not sure how to fix this long standing impression of me, but I'd like to. It's definitely not who I am, or who I want to be. So, if you also find me "hard to get to know", feel free and ask me anything you'd like. Feel free to call and talk about nothing, or everything. Feel free to email. And if I've never taken the first step toward friendship, I'm sorry. I promise it's not personal, it's just me(apparently). I am trying to be better at it. Hopefully, someday soon I'll be able to shake this and put forth my true self.

Three Frogs

2008-09-26T13:41:00.000-07:00

I read a riddle recently that I'd like to share:

Three frogs are sitting on a log. Two decide to jump off. How many frogs are left?
Think about it...
Answer: One?
Wrong.
The answer is unknown. Just because two of the frogs decided to jump off doesn't mean they did it. What can we learn from this?

Do something. Many of us, and myself included to the greatest extent, plan on doing things. We plan on cleaning out the garage. We plan on taking cooking classes. We plan on taking our kids to the zoo. We plan on taking that long awaited (and much needed) vacation. I make a list every day, whether in my head or on paper, of things I'd like to accomplish by that night. Be it: taking out the garbage, snapping some good photos of the kids, or making time to play a game with the kids. I rarely accomplish everything I set out to do that day. Either I'm tired, or too busy, or something else just comes up. I finally put Matt's hand and foot prints in his baby book, and he's 2 months old. All good moms know: the kids come first. Really good moms know to make sure they're taken care of too; spiritually, physically, whatever. So my assignment, and I encourage you to do the same, is to pick one thing a day and make sure you DO it. One thing; so you can lay down at the end of the day not thinking about what you should have done instead of watching a rerun of The Simpsons. Or, at the minimum take a step in the right direction. Make the phone call, or at least find the phone number. I believe all individuals have the power and potential to do amazing things. Lets start.

Special

2008-09-24T20:36:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, Nate and I spent a lot of time together, just the two of us. 2.5 patrols, many duty nights, and a lot of flying back and forth to Rhode Island. I have always felt extremely connected to him. I have always treated him as if he were older. I've expected more from him than my other children, which I do feel bad about. So I've heard, it's the curse of being the oldest. But amazingly, he's (for the most part) always lived up to my expectations, with a few bumps here and there. The majority of the time he does what is asked of him, and then some.

I know I've touched on his recent behavior in previous entries. The outbursts continue, though we're managing through it. More than anything, they're emotional. Nathan needs a lot of one-on-one time, and he hasn't been getting it lately. Between child care, 2 full-time brothers and Joe's crazy work schedule, it's really hard to fit in. Tonight I put Drew to bed a little early, and was actually able to spend some one-on-one time with both of them. Nate always asks me to lay with him for a little while he falls asleep, and this was the first night in a long time I was able to do it. We used to use this time to reflect on the day, talk about school, life etc. He seemed in good spirits until he said a single sentence that almost brought me to tears. He said, "Mom, my friends don't want to play with me at school. I think it's cause I'm not special enough.". He's 4. Four. What a thing for a 4 year old to be be feeling. Of course I reassured him, or tried to, that he is special and very much loved. The world is cruel and school can be an awful place for a kid who doesn't feel like they fit in. It's a horrible feeling as a parent to have to sit on the sidelines while watching your child experience a hard time. I can't go to school with him. I can't follow him to other people's houses when he has a play date. I can't always tell him what to say, or how to act. He has to figure out things on his own and he'll be better off in the long run. Every experience we have shapes us into who we become. I don't want to take these experiences away from him, but we've all had a hard days as kids with our peers, and I don't think anyone could forget how hard it can be. Hopefully it's just a phase. If not, I just don't know what to do.

Baby Smiles

2008-09-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

Matt started smiling very young... about a week and a half old. I remember it was during my first dinner at home after being in the hospital. We were sitting at the table, and Matt wanted to join us as usual. I was holding him waiting for Joe to finish eating so I could pass Matt of and start on my meal. I was talking to and smiling at Matt, and he smiled back. (and no, it wasn't 'gas') But now he has gotten old enough to really play with. He loves to be tickled, and touched on his face. Joe took a few of the cadences they use while working out with their students, and converted them to fit a baby. Matt loves them and smiles big every time Joe sings. (I've tried, but he just doesn't get the same enjoyment out of it with me) Matt also loves kisses, and smiles at every one. Now that we've gotten to this stage, I have realized there is nothing better than a baby smile. Babies don't know how to fake happiness, so it is such a pure and honest reaction. When I see him smile big enough to light up his eyes, I forget about the 2 hours of sleep I had the night before. I forget about the colic, the frustration we've both felt with breastfeeding, being peed on, pooped on, etc. No matter how angry my children make me, I forget about all of it with only one moment of pure joy. That moment, is what we parents live for. A child's honesty can be crushing or it can give you wings. One single moment, one baby smile, can give you the strength to make it to the end of the day in one piece or get you up in the morning. I read a while ago that some study found people without children generally were happier. And while some days I believe it, I have never been happier than I am when experiencing one of these moments. This is what I live for. Good morning hugs, goodnight kisses, and baby smiles.

Too Much of a Good Thing

2008-09-15T15:44:00.000-07:00

Nathan is one of the most genuinely kind-hearted kids I know. He shows an amazing sense of empathy for his age, and always has. This being said, I don't know what's happened to my sweet little boy. He's never been one to act out physically, but lately he has been. He's been saying mean things to everyone around him, and I don't know where it's coming from, or how to fix it. I thought babysitting for his best friend and her brother would be a wonderful thing. They never fought over anything, and played together at school every chance they could. Now they can't be in the same room together without some 'tragic' thing happening. Because Nate's such an emotional child, he takes everything to heart. If he yells 'hi' to a neighbor and they don't wave back, he gets sad. If someone doesn't want to play with him, it breaks his heart. I know kids are not always going to get along, and arguing is probably health for their development. But god damn. The biggest source of frustration for him lately is when he feels rejected, and acts out. Today Nate asked his friend to give him a 'high 5' and "friend" stood there looking at him blankly, obviously ignoring his request. He said, "Please?" , and "friend" continued staring at him with an implied response of 'no'. I'm not saying anyone should do something they don't want to, but it started the day off horribly, and it's as if she did it for kicks. (I don't know the real reason behind it and it could have been perfectly innocent, but I have learned children are a lot more calculating than they let on.) So there went our Monday. Full of, "you're not my friend"'s and "I don't want to play with you"'s. (From both sides) It's constant. It's utterly ridiculous. And I am so beyond frustrated with the situation. I don't know how to get them to be get along again, and stop all this nonsense. I've tried talking to them individually and together. Nothing works. No matter how hurt Nathan is, hitting is absolutely unacceptable. He knows this. So he is cleaning up the basement by himself, and cannot watch TV for a week. He has been sent to his room. He has been denied activities. Nothing works. I'm sure in the heat of the moment he is not thinking about future consequences, but how can I get him to that level? I know it's not all him, but unfortunately he's more direct with his comments. So he is always the one in trouble for the fighting. My heart goes out to him, and I feel awful when I know he's just taken a blow to the chest. I try to make it better by offering to play with him instead, but he doesn't want me now, and I understand. I expect that he's not going to want to play with me over his peers. I just don't know how to make it better. The best friend he wanted to spend every waking moment with, is now here 40 hours a week. It's not the perfect situation I thought it'd be, and Nathan is definitely feeling the effects of the phrase, 'too much of a good thing'.

So Horrible, but So Real

2008-09-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

When Matt was born, I loved looking at him... still do. There is no more pure form of human than a newborn baby. Everything they do is solely to survive, and be loved. They know nothing of jealousy, hate or anger, and have done nothing to deserve those feelings towards them. As I was flooded with all of these wonderful feelings of love and affection, I became horribly sad. (leave it to me to kill a good moment) As innocent and helpless as babies are, there are people who do horrible things to them. It is one thing to say 'how sad it is', or 'isn't that a shame', like most people do. But for some incredibly unfortunate reason, I am deeply saddened by these events and am effected forever. I have cried every time I hear of a severely abused child, a newborn left to die by the side of the road, or worse. I find it unfathomable that someone could do something so heartless to someone so helpless. What I don't understand is why these people don't use the resources that are there to help them. There are crisis lines for new parents who have reached the end of their rope with a newborn baby who won't stop crying. There are plenty of adoption agencies who would be happy to place that baby by the road in a loving home. No matter how stubborn or difficult a child may be, no child deserves this kind of treatment. And babies. So frail, and trusting. They trust you will always catch them, you will always feed them, and when they are cold, you will wrap them up in a blanket. They trust you will love them. As sad as I am and always will be over this, I feel completely helpless. People have and always will do horrible things. I hate to say it is in our nature, but for some I believe it is. I'll close this with... If you have children: love them. If you don't love them: give them to someone who will. And if you know of a stressed out parent in trouble: offer to help, or at least offer an ear. If you know of a child in trouble: call CPS. Don't worry about making things 'awkward' between you and your neighbor or friend. I'm sure 90% of abuse related deaths could have been prevented if someone hadn't turned the other way.

Soccer School!

2008-09-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

Nate started this school year last Wednesday, and Drew was very upset he couldn't go. He did attend the open house on Tuesday with Nate and Joe, but I think that made it even worse. Now he knows what he's missing. I felt and still feel bad for Drew; everyday when we're getting ready to leave the house he puts his shoes on and says, "I go to school, too?" It's heartbreaking to tell him 'no', everyday. So on Thursday Joe and I decided to put the boys in "Lil Kickers". It's a soccer based program for kids 18 months and up. They have several classes for all the different stages. And awesomely enough, Nate and Drew's classes fall on Saturday at the same time. We chose the 11am since it's too much of a hassle to get out of the house early, and we have to do it 4 days a week already. Drew's class is a parent/child class, so Joe and I decided whoever takes Nate to his class, will take Matt as well. We'll switch off every Saturday. What's nice is the classes are on the same indoor field divided into three sections, so you're all in the same area anyway. Today Joe did Drew's class, and said he did more running than the 2 year old! Drew was a little reluctant to do some of the activities at first, but he did well. Drew takes a while to warm up to situations with a lot of people. Nate did fantastic. I never realized how big he is for his age until I saw him with his peers. He towered over the other kids. But he is definitely the fastest runner in his class by far, and he listened to and did everything the coaches instructed them to do. (I was a little nervous in that area) Kudos to the coaches too. They were so great with the kids and really encouraging. Today they both got their uniforms, and wanted to wear them right away. When I have Nate again, I'll try to bring my camera and post some pictures. FYI Matt did well too. He was really interested in everything that was going on. We all can't wait to do it again next Saturday.

Matt's First Checkup

2008-09-02T13:27:00.000-07:00

I was home with the kids, so Joe took Matt to his first checkup. He is now a whopping 12 lbs 2 oz. and 22.5" long. I knew he had gained weight, but not almost 4 pounds! He's a little chunk. But I love his Buddha belly. He has an angioma on his back that we thought was just a birth mark, but the Doctor said it would fade as he got older. He's basically a perfectly healthy little boy. Keep on eating, baby!

New Shoes

2008-09-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we went to Tacoma to get the boys new shoes for the fall. Surprisingly, both the boys had gone up 2 sizes since last year! I'm not sure how fast kids' feet are supposed to grow, but I didn't think it would be that much. Nathan is getting old enough to want to pick out everything he wears, and if he doesn't like it, he's not wearing it! So for this years school clothes and shoes, he got to make most of the decisions. (I should still have some say, right? Otherwise he would have bought out Gymboree!) He's pretty good about the clothes, but the shoes he picked out... ugh. Both Joe and I tried to persuade him into choosing something else, but he wasn't having it. "They've got bouncy balls on them, and they help me jump!", was his reasoning, while vigorously jumping up and down. (They're striderite 'superball') The shoes themselves weren't bad, but the colors were in our opinion, hideous. Drew picked out the Geox I was rooting for with Nate, so at least I got one! As much as I detest the 'bouncy ball shoes' I couldn't say no. They will be on his feet, and he deserves the freedom to wear what he likes. It was a milestone of his independence. These are the moments that empower our children and give them their sense of self. But man is it hard to hold back sometimes. Enjoy your 'bouncy ball shoes' Nate, and jump high.

Etiquette

2008-08-20T12:58:00.000-07:00

A word on Etiquette:

What makes a person low class? Is it defined by what economic class you're born into? No. I know plenty of people who have been born into families without money who conduct themselves as perfect gentlemen/ladies. On the reverse of that, I know people who have been born into money, and you'd never know it. The difference is the way they conduct themselves in life, and the way they treat other people. Otherwise known as the rules of Etiquette. The biggest rule is just plain being respectful, and following through on things you say you'll do. If you promise to call someone, do it. If you say you'll be joining them at a gathering or party, you'd better be there. And if for some reason you can't make it, you'd better call. And, unless in an absolute emergency, don't call after the event explaining why you weren't there. There are exceptions, like if you suddenly have to go to the ER, etc. But in most cases, that's not the reason behind the no-show. I am infuriated by our generation's lack of Etiquette. And it's nothing more than a lack of respect for other people. For some reason, most people only care about their needs at the present moment, being completely self-absorbed. And if you are this type of person, yes, I consider you low class.

The story behind this rant starts early this morning. One of my daycare kids was a no-show. I called the mother's friend (for lack of a better term), and she said this mom was sick the night before. Really sick. So after an hour of calling the house, cell phone, and back and forth while getting no answer and a couple of busy signals, I packed up all the kids (which is not an easy task) and drove over to their house to make sure the mom wasn't passed out somewhere while her daughter was unsupervised. Nobody was home. I came back home, and an hour later, she calls. She found someone cheaper, and just decided to bring her over there today. That's what I get for caring. Not to mention I was paid a few weeks late and not even everything I was owed, but I told her I understood her situation and as long as she was making the effort, I was OK with that. When I started watching this kid, Joe said, "you're going to get screwed. I've dealt with people like her my whole life, and she's going to screw you over. " He was right. He's always right. But this is where the Etiquette and respect for others comes in. I bent over backwards to help this woman out, and this is what I get. And I don't know which economic class she was born into, but she is, in my eyes, low class. She will move through life looking for handouts, screwing over the innocent until they get fed up, and then she'll move to the next victim. Sadly, her daughter will be brought up in this environment and the cycle will continue for the next generation.

Above all, we try to teach our children respect for others and themselves. If they respect themselves, then they'll never look for handouts, and they'll be too good to screw people over. But unfortunately, they will run into those who will take advantage of them for being good people. I just hope it doesn't burn them. I like to give everyone a chance, but at the same rate, I need to start protecting myself. I know I've said this before in an earlier blog, but it's hard to know when to draw the line. And what if you find a truly honest person that you turn away due to prejudice? I don't think I'll ever figure that out.

Back to Us

2008-08-13T15:26:00.000-07:00

We've had family visiting for the past few weeks, and it's been great. Now Joe, the boys and I are having to readjust to life without help. My family's visits were not really what I had hoped unfortunately; usually we try to do fun things and really get to spend quality time together. But between a hospital trip, child care, and a fussy newborn, it wasn't exactly easy to go out, or get a moment of peace. It was nice having them here all the same.

I did mention fussy newborn. Matt has the beginnings of colic. Drew had colic, so I know it when I see it. For now, we're just trying to find out what calms him early, so it's not so hard. Sometimes I can soothe him, but we've had a few nights and spells when he will cry endlessly for hours, and nothing you do helps. It's tiring, but you have to just remind yourself over and over that he's not chosing to cry and if he could stop, he would. It's also very saddening because he will have a complete look of distress, and he will look at you as if begging you to do something to help him and make it stop. It's a horrible feeling as a parent to see your child in pain, and there is nothing you can do to help them.

On another sad note, my grandparents took Drew to a hair appointment on Monday, and he was butchered. We were growing his hair out cause it looked adorable. Because his hair is so light, and he was crazy light blue eiyes, the "beach bum" look, was perfect on him. It really matched his personality. I spoke to the stylist when making the appointment and told him exactly what I wanted: Keep the length and look, just clean it up a little. He came home with finger length all around. I was floored. My Grandma told him what I wanted too, and he just did what he wanted to. I know it'll grow, but it makes me want to cry. It took so long to grow out. Our whole family went to that stylist, and he has completely lost our business. And, our future recomendations.

My mom bought me the lens I've coveted for months, but I have not had a moment to do a photo shoot with Matt for his newborn pics. I'll try to get that done ASAP cause he's starting to lose his newborn look. I'll post them as soon as I do!

Expectations

2008-08-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

Whether we like to admit or not, all mom's try and hold themselves to society's standard of the perfect mom. We all want the latest toys, safest car seats and cutest nurseries. I think it helps us feel as though we are doing our absolute best, even while our baby is in utero. Mothers are expected to have endless patience, and extensive knowledge of everything baby as if we were born with encyclopedia's in our heads. We're expected to take all the sick days, stay up at 3am for nightmares, and do it all with a smile. We have so many decisions to make in the first few weeks even: whether or not to circumcise (for boys) or immunize, to breastfeed, or which formula is best... so many decisions that could effect the rest of the child's life. I personally fall victim to these expectations: I had to buy the best car seat on the market, and I feel like a failure if I lose me patience or get frustrated. We've chosen not to circumcise our children and not to immunize, which we catch a lot of crap for both from people who just don't understand. We're constantly defending ourselves.

What brought on these thoughts is a near failed attempt for the third time to exclusively breastfeed Matt. I tried with Nate, but was unsuccessful after 2 weeks because he needed way more than I could produce. I tried again with Drew, but he grew lazy after a few weeks and would only take a bottle. I felt rejected by my newborn baby which is hard to deal with. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I'm sure there are mom's who have felt the same rejection. Matt and I did well for the first few days, but my unexpected trip to the hospital interrupted that, and now I'm having to retrain him, and train my body to keep up with him. I wanted so badly for it to work this time but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards. To make matters worse, whenever he has a bottle he ends up with a lot of gas, making him extremely fussy. Rightfully so, but that in turn just makes me weak and frustrated. It's a horrible cycle. I haven't given up yet, but I feel I will ultimately lose the battle.

I have tried my best at being 'Suzy homemaker', Martha Stewart and Mother of the Year, but I never seem to get it just right. I'm positive that no one ever does, unless you're superhuman. Even Martha has her flaws. But the more I strive for perfection, the further I feel from it. Stay at home moms have a lot to prove to the world: it's no longer enough. Women are expected to bring in an income, cook a five-star meal when they get home, and keep the house 'unexpected drop-in ready'. So when they don't have a monetary income, the pressure's on for everything else to be that much better. I know a lot of this is just pressure we keep on ourselves so we can feel as though we are doing something meaningful. But maybe it's time for us all, working moms and stay at home moms to give ourselves a break, take a night off, and be satisfied with "good enough". If we could do that, we'd all be a lot happier with ourselves.

And We Ended Up There Anyway...

2008-07-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

It took a couple days to recover from Matt's birth. By Monday morning I was feeling awesome; all bruises were fading, and my overall energy was up. Louisa (my midwife's student) had called and said I sounded chipper. The baby was doing great, and really pleasant. Around 11:00 I felt suddenly very tired, and Joe said I should take a nap as the baby was sleeping. I woke up at 1:00 with chills, a horrible backache and a very tender abdomen. Within an hour and a half my temp rose to 102.1. I called Peggy and she told me to go to the E.R. They did blood tests and cultures (which if you know me, you know is very hard for me to do), and couldn't come up with anything except my white blood cell count was through the roof indicating some kind of infection, but they had no idea what it was. They wanted to admit me and give me IV antibiotics (another absolutely NOT in my book). After a while Joe convinced me it was better to do that than go home sick, and have to come back with something more serious or worse. So thinking we might be home by midnight I agreed. The nurse fought me over Lidocane, (a local antistatic) but they gave in. Side note * the E.R. tech was a total ____. They wheeled me up to another floor and as we were getting set up I asked the nurse if we might be out of there before midnight. Her face contorted as she said, "oh, no. Probable 3 or 4 days..." M@#$%RF@#$%R! Bastards. By now I was really upset. After an hour Joe said he'd go get Matt so I could at least see him. I was really happy to see my baby. I had never been separated more than a minute from my newborn, so the few hours seemed endless. Joe and Matt stayed for a few hours, and we decided it would be better for Matt to stay with my mom for the night. I cried my eyes out when they left. Joe stayed with me that night.

The next morning the Doctor came in and said if I responded well to the meds I could go home the following morning. Not what I wanted to hear, but not horrible. Joe left to go home and brave the kids that were coming (it was going to be a full house) with Kaela. Of course I cried when he left... again. My mom came an hour later with baby in tow, and that made my day a lot better. Around 2:00 though, my fever spiked out of nowhere. They gave me meds to keep it down. Kaela visited after she went home from our house, and Joe brought the boys to visit after dinner. He and Matt stayed the night, and my mom went home. My IV was starting to go and they wanted to relocate it, but I said 'hell no'.

Wednesday: I'm going home! I'm ready and excited... until around 9:00 when the Doctor comes in and says I can't go home because of the fever spike. Damn. Joe left with Matt to give him his first bath and I bawled after he left. I've never missed first anything with my kids, but Matt severely needed to de-stink. My mom came back with him all clean and smelling wonderful. A little after she got there my IV was shot, and they had to take it out. They said they were going to have to put it in another location now, because it was no longer working in that spot. Basically, I had so much running through my vein, it couldn't handle it anymore. I was relieved to have it out finally, because I couldn't nurse Matt properly because I couldn't position or hold him well. After such a great start, I feared he was going to get lazy with me and only want to bottle feed. Another real downer. I talked wit the nurse about why I couldn't just go home at this point, and said I wanted her to page the Doctor so I could talk to her. After the nurse left I looked at my mom and said, "I'm done." she gave me a look and I said, "No, I'm done. I've been cooperative, I've done their stupid tests after tests, they still are only guessing I have a uterine infection; they don't know that. I'm going home." I got up and starting packing. After 15 minutes the nurse came back in and said, "Good news! The Doctor said you can go on oral antibiotics now, but we still want to keep you overnight to make sure you don't spike again." Better than nothing. I agreed to stay one more night. Joe brought the boys again, Mom left with them again, and Joe and Matt stayed the night.

I finally went home Thursday around 3:00. As we walked through the doors Joe said, "freedom!". It was so nice to be in my own environment again. Nate was up when I got home and he said, "are you not sick anymore?" I love my kids.

So my absolute fear came true and I ended up in the hospital anyway. It could've been a lot worse, but for me it was bad enough. A special thanks to Kaela and my mom for taking over the child care and holding down the fort while I was gone. An incredibly heart-felt thanks to Joe for making 10,000 home/hospital runs, dealing with my emotions, and being incredibly supportive and understanding. Most husbands would not have done what he did, or would have handled it as well... especially when it came to my emotional fits. But we're all home now, and doing great. I've been a lot less emotional since.

Introducing:

2008-07-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

Matthew Alan Nunnally. He was born on July 18, 2008 at 12:22 pm. He was 8 lbs, 11 oz. and 21 inches long. We finally decided on Matthew today after a long time going back and forth over out list of 5. Alan is there as a tribute to my Dad and Late brother Jonny, who died last September. Alan was both their middle name. He loves to eat, and responds really well to his brother's voices. He has blue eyes, and light brown hair that I assume will turn blond like the rest of us. He is sweet, but quite demanding as most babies are. We are so happy to have him in our lives.

Our Baby Story

2008-07-19T19:18:00.000-07:00

Thursday evening I was having some sporadic contractions, but didn't pay any attention to them. They weren't that strong, or predictable. I figured it'd be at least another week before he decided to make his grand entrance. Around 4:16 Friday morning, I woke up with very strong contractions about 2 minutes apart. They went on for about 45 minutes before Joe woke up from my moving around so much trying to get comfortable. At this point, I still wasn't sure if they were anything to pay attention to. Joe immediately got the idea that they were. We were both awake and were not going back to sleep, so he decided to go get some coffee and scones; it was going to be a long day. While he was out I called Peggy, my midwife, and told her what was going on. She said to call again in an hour to give her an update. When Joe got back, I went downstairs and we stood around in the kitchen, timing and mentally preparing for the day ahead. Around 6 Kaela came upstairs (she had stayed over the past 2 nights), and knew something had to be up since both of us were wide awake and with coffee. At 6:30 Peggy called back and said they would be here in about an hour. Joe left to go pick up some Gatorade and melon for me, and Kaela and I talked about the birth process and kids in general. I decided to get in the shower now, so I didn't miss my opportunity. Nate woke up while I was in the shower, and Joe got to tell him the good news he had been waiting to hear for a very long time. Peggy and Louisa arrived shortly, and starting setting up. Joe had to rearrange our bedroom to accommodate the birth pool. They had accidentally forgotten one of their medical bags, so they checked my progress to see if they had enough time to go back and get it. I was only 4 cm at this point. While they were out, Joe and I decided to go for a walk to keep the labor moving along. When Peggy and Louisa got back they checked me again, and I was at 6 cm. Kaela had cut up one of the melons for me and I was resting and munching on that while they continued to set up. My contractions had slowed because I had been sitting for so long. After 2 attempts for an IV, they gave up, and decided if I needed fluids after the birth, they would have to use a butterfly. Good news for me, but I did pretty damn well for having such a needle phobia while sitting through the attempts! I was pretty distracted though... We decided to go for another walk and this time Nate and Louisa came with us. The contractions were still not picking up, so when we got back to the house at 11:35, Peggy and Louisa gave me and Joe some tricks to use to speed up the labor. (no, not that.) After about 20 minutes, the contractions were extremely intense, but not really coming any closer together. When Peggy and Louisa came back up to check on us, they obviously knew something I didn't cause the rushed to finish filling the pool. I was getting emotional, but not really bad. 5 minutes later my water broke, and he came down so fast, I barely had enough time to get in the pool. He was already crowning. I'm usually not a baby in labor, and I've never been vocal, but something was different this time. As he was trying to make his grand entrance, they could see an elbow coming out with the head, and the cord around his neck. Because of the position of his arm, he got stuck at the shoulders for a minute. Needless to say, the event was a traumatic event for both of us, and no one was really expecting a difficult delivery. When we finally got him out at 12:22, he was pretty unresponsive, and his color was not great. After what seemed like an eternity, we finally stimulated him enough to get a few cries out. Looking back, we all agree that he was just in a bit of shock. He does not have any damage. Thankfully, the cord was around his neck and arm, so it didn't cut off any oxygen. His head was bruised and swollen because everything happened so fast, but that's about it. I was definitely a lot more battered than I've ever been after labor, but we're all doing just fine now. Today his swelling has gone down almost all the way, and he is doing a lot better than yesterday. He cried a lot the day he was born, but I would too if I had to be on his end of it. Nate came in to cut the cord, but decided that was a job better suited for Daddy, and he would just watch. He was going to be there for the birth but we didn't have enough time to get him, and I'm glad. With the way things went, he probably would have gotten scared, and I really didn't want that for him. Unfortunately, because of the quick progression of the day, we have no pictures of the birth or labor. And honestly, everyone there was playing an important role, so no one was available to take them anyway. We did take some pics of the new baby right away though.

We are adjusting to life as a family of 5 quite well. My mom flew in from Florida this morning, and we are more than happy to have her. We are also happy to take any other visitors who wish to meet our newest addition. Further, a special thanks to Kaela: you were such a huge help, and we would've had a hard time without you!

The Tough Questions

2008-07-17T18:38:00.000-07:00

Being pregnant with a 4 year old has raised challenges of it's own. Nate's been really curious about the whole process, and often asks questions that I'm not really ready to discuss. He's awesome at catching us off guard when we haven't had time to think up an age appropriate answer. This is probably one of the toughest challenges in parenthood: teaching your child about life in a way that they will understand, while preserving their innocence. Though this question had nothing to do with pregnancy, Nathan brought it up yesterday and it was one of the harder things I've had to explain. Maybe it was just the hormones, but I quietly bawled my eyes out after he had left the room.

As Joe and I were looking for our birthing pool in the garage, we looked through a lot of boxes we hadn't opened since we taped them up in the move. In one of the boxes we found some framed pictures we had out at the old house. One in particular was that of my late brother Jonny and his monkey, Jacob. He didn't have any kids, so that monkey was his life. When I went out to RI for his funeral, my dad had made a bunch of copies of this one picture, framed them, and gave one to each sibling. Unfortunately, it's the only picture I have of him. A day later Joe brought the picture inside and placed it on top of our piano. When Nate woke up from nap he came down and noticed it right away. "who's that?" he asked.
"That's uncle Jonny." I said.
"He's got a monkey?'
"yup. The monkey's name is Jacob."
"I want to meet Uncle Jonny and his monkey."
"well..." Think "you can't"
"why not?"
And I thought about this. He doesn't quite understand death yet. I replied, "Remember how Mommy said sometimes people get really hurt or sick, and they go away and can't come back?"
He nodded. "Well Uncle Jonny got really hurt, and he's not here anymore."
He took a minute to digest that and finally said, "well, I will miss him."
I'm not sure why this particular moment effected me so, but it did. I will miss him too. I will miss never knowing him as an adult and picking his brain. I didn't know anything about who he really was until he died. I not only grieved the loss of a brother, but the loss of the chance to have a good relationship with him. He really was a good, cultured person with a lifetime of extraordinary experiences. I missed out on that.

We're not supposed to cry in front of our kids, or let them see us in a moment of weakness. So I sucked it up until he left in search of a snack. Unfortunately, he has so many relatives he will never have a chance to know, because I barely do. I tried to rebuild my relationship with my other estranged siblings, but it fell apart after about 6 months. And when they go, which we all will at some point, I know I'll be left with the same regret and sadness. It's amazing how you don't start asking yourself the tough questions until you're asked to answer to someone else. And when you can no longer avoid it, it can be brutal.

I did it! Now about Drew and Fatigue...

2008-07-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

I did it. It was hard, but I cut off the ties I said I was going to. So I didn't chicken out, feel bad... well a little. I still feel bad about the situation, but realize it's not my fault and there's nothing I can do to change it or make it better.

Now I am just waiting for this baby to make his big debut! My mom is flying in this Saturday, and it's another reminder of how close we actually are to becoming a family of 5. God, that's crazy!!! The earliest due date I was given was 7/17, and that's Thursday. From there we've had a few dates up to 7/24. So he really could come at any minute. I'm so anxious! We all are. Nathan asks me every day: "is he coming out now?" I can't wait until I can answer that with a yes. Drew's been having a hard time with other kids being around since he was taught by another certain couple of kids that it's OK to hit, push, take things, etc. just because you don't 'like' someone, and now Joe and I are worried he might not do well with a kid that's here permanently. Especially once he realizes the baby's here forever. It's actually made me and Joe really sad because before these certain other kids were around, Drew was just our sweet little Drew who loved babies, and was forever giving and requesting hugs and kisses. It is going to take so long to undo the damage they've done in just a few weeks. I feel bad for the other kids, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let them keep coming around after the horrible influence they've had on my family. Unfortunately I know it's not their fault; in kids so young you can only blame the parents. I really wanted to help them and be a good influence, but sometimes there is just nothing you can do. Wow, talk about a change of subject! LOL

So anyway... I'm completely exhausted today for no reason. If I could go to bed I would. I'm not sure why I'm so tired. I've been super-motivated lately and I've been getting a lot accomplished around the house. With this baby coming (whenever that will be) and my mom visiting, I know I don't have a whole lot of time left to do things I need to get done. I just get so angry when I'm this tired because I feel like I should be doing so much more than I am, but I just physically can't. Grrr. Maybe I'll just try to take it a little easier today and allow myself that, and then I'll wake up refreshed tomorrow. Only problem with that is: what if I don't? I'll have a house full of kids, and still no energy. at least Joe will be home most of the day tomorrow. He's a huge help, and I really don't think I could sanely make it through most days without him.

All For #1!

2008-07-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

I have recently gotten myself into a situation that I am having a hard time getting out of. And not because I don't have the ability, just that my self-expectations always supersede reality. Way too often I take on too much, expect too much of myself, and then feel like I am severely letting down anyone else involved. My most recent undertaking is failing miserably, but I don't believe it's any fault of my own. Some things just can't be accomplished, some people can't be taught, and there is only so much one human being can put up with. I have put so much effort in to have it shoved back in my face, and I am frustrated and on the verge of emotional breakdown about 24 hours a day. Yesterday I started crying after a so-so convo with my midwife, and Joe got angry. Not because he was mad at me, but because this is what it's come down to. He hates seeming me so distressed, and knows I really take things to heart. When I commit to something I give 100% and it's hard to give all I have and not see any results or get anything in return. Especially when I can blantently see my efforts are not being appreciated. Today I reached the end of the rope, and I refuse to let this go on any longer. I am being ambiguous as to not openly point fingers, so if you don't get it, feel free to ask.

A few nights ago I was complaining to Joe and trying to come up with a plan of action for remedying this situation. He said 'the sooner I learn to look out for "#1" ,' meaning me and my family, the sooner I'll be happier. He said I should stop being afraid to hurt other people's feelings, because they obviously don't give a damn about me. This current state is effecting my entire family; the boys are acting differently, Joe is stressed, I'm a wreck, and even my animals are being brought into it now. No one is going to take care of me, but me. And I have to be the voice of my kids because no one else is going to. Everyone else puts themselves first, and who gives a shit who they walk on in the meantime? This has gone on long enough, and I am fed up. It ends today.

Done, Done.... So Done!

2008-07-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

Like any typical prego I have hit the wall of being SO done. I'm fat, tired, exhausted, can't bend over to pick up a toy or tie my shoes... I'm so sick of being in this state. I don't feel ready for another human being to be in our lives, but I'm definitely ready for this human to be out of my body! I've always said that you are never ready for a child; you're never prepared, you never have enough money... all the ducks are never lined up. So, you let it happen and work with it. I also believe things will happen when they are supposed to and you should never try to push things in your favor because then it will go wrong, but GD! If I could induce somehow I would. Everyone has an idea of what encourages labor, but I've tried most and have failed miserably. I don't get in these moods often. I'm usually really easy-going and accepting of situations, but this just sucks now. If you've ever been pregnant, you know exactly how I am feeling. And if you plan on it, it's not always this bad, and as soon as the baby's born you forget about all the crap. Especially when you decide to have another... or another... you kind of have to. Otherwise no one would have more than one child! That's about it. I'm done ranting now.

Jewel's 9 lives

2008-07-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

Our most recent scare with Jewel came Sunday. If you don't know, Jewel is our Calico cat. I've had her since July of 2001. She's moved with me many times, and I think she is meant to be here for the long haul.

Early on, I had to take her when she was 4 weeks old, because her mom was too young and started turning on the kittens. She was the only Calico, and chose me. I had to hand feed her for awhile, and watch her constantly.

When we moved to WA from GA, we had Scooter (our schnoodle) Omelet (our Siamese mix) and Jewel on the 3500 mile trip cross country. In Arizona, she escaped from the car at the hotel we were staying at. After looking for her all night and being told she probably got eaten by Coyotes, we knew we couldn't stay to look for her any longer, cause the chances were slim that we'd find her. I left my number with the front desk and we left. 10 minutes later, we received a call that someone had found her in their engine compartment. They happened to check their oil that morning, and also had a spare cat carrier in their vehicle. We turned around, I cried, and off we went.

Sunday, our neighbor informed us he spotted a Calico at 1:30 am coming up from the woods, barely able to walk, and bleeding. She usually comes in at night, but just wouldn't on Saturday. We looked for her under the porch and around the property. I figured she was dead. Later on that night, Nathan woke up because of the wind (he's terrified of Tornado's), so I went in to comfort him. As I was sitting on the bed, something brushed against my legs startling me. and what do you know, it's a bruised and swollen Jewel showing me some love. I brought her downstairs cause she wasn't walking well, and fed her some canned food cause she couldn't eat the dry food. She ate, slept, and stayed inside for 2 days. Today she is back to her old self, swelling gone. Our neighbor thinks she got into a fight with a raccoon; around here they are horrible vicious animals. And she walked away. Jewel is one tough bitch.

Nothing much to this story, I just thought some of you might either find this amusing, or inspirational. She could get run over twice and fall off a cliff and she'd still make it. She has the most awesome disposition of a cat. And I really am starting to believe she'll be around forever.

Nate's Super Sweet 4 (and other updates)

2008-06-23T13:04:00.001-07:00

I can't believe the last time I'd written was in May, and here we are at the end of June! Things have happened, but I've been too busy or tired to broadcast them. So...

My baby is 4!!! Nate turned 4 years old on June 19th. It also happened to be his end of school year picnic, which was pretty cool. I made cupcakes for his class and they had a little party in school for him. When Joe brought the boys home from the picnic and after we got the other kids off to bed, we had a bright orange new bike waiting outside for him. He really hasn't had a decent bike yet, and he loved it. It's hard to imagine how much he's grown. He has always been and will continue to be my little man. His maturity level for his age is outstanding, and he is so much smarter than I'd like sometimes. (he no longer accepts simple explanations, and has found holes in some of my stories.) I can always count on him for help, and he is happy to do it. I'm sure sometimes I take advantage of him being the oldest, but I try not too. I don't want him to have that typical oldest sibling complex. We had his party on Saturday, and it was a blast. We rented this gigantic bounce house/slide which made the party a hit. We chose the 'county fair' theme from Pottery Barn Kids (of course) after much deliberating. Nate and I tried to come up with a theme for weeks till I found this one. We both loved it. We also rented a cotton candy machine, hot dog steamer, and had a few games. At each game the kids won a prize that made up their goody bag. We had 65 people scheduled to come, and I think about 58 showed. Not bad, but a lot of work. We decided to do cupcakes instead of one giant cake, so me, Joe and Nate were up till 10:00 the night before baking, frosting, and decorating them. Nate had his own little cake make from a mini quiche pan, and he loved it. I'm pretty sure everyone enjoyed the party, and it wasn't nearly as chaotic as I thought it'd be. I always take on way too much, but it turns out well in the end. Just want to say a quick "sorry" to anyone who was not on the guest list. I accidentally forgot to invite some people, and I really didn't want anyone to feel left out.

I have taken up a new job. Child Care! I have a 2 year old girl, 4 year old boy, and 10 month old girl. I might be taking on another 10 month old girl, but we're doing an on-call trial right now. And yes, all in addition to my own children. Crazy? Yes I am! But I really enjoy it. Joe's been around during the day which has been awesome cause he's such a great help. Kids just gravitate towards him naturally, so they love having him around too. It also helps to have an adult male in the house when the older boys aren't listening. He'll be going back to a regular schedule in August, and I don't know what I'm going to do without him. Yeah, I'm going to be hiring some help for a few hours a day, a few days a week. I can deal with it pretty well myself, but when Nate goes back to school, I'll have no way to transport him with the other kids. (too many kids, not enough vehicle) So I'll probably look for someone from 9-12, just to help with the mornings. (even though the afternoons are way more chaotic.) I'm not charging a lot, and according to most of my friends not nearly enough, but I really do enjoy doing this. I'm home anyway, and I know what it's like to have to spend more than you make on child care. Also how hard it is to know you are leaving your kids in the right hands. I think all my parents are comfortable and happy with me, so no complaints. And there's something accomplishing in what I'm doing now. I've taken a crazy pay cut, but it's surprisingly not as stressful, and I feel like I'm actually doing something useful. Every time a kid 'gets' something I've been trying to teach them, it's rewarding just by itself. We've almost have the two year old trained, which is awesome for two reasons: a major accomplishment, and no more diapers for me! I realize not all parents have the time to do and work on certain things, but I do. But I guess like most of my ventures we'll see how long this works for.

We finally did it. We got... a minivan. A Honda Odyssey. It's got everything: power doors, DVD, leather... it's nice; for a minivan. I've yet to really drive it. Usually if we take it somewhere, it's all of us, and Joe drives. I'll warm up to it eventually.

Pregnancy is going well, though I'm so done. Done, done, done. Everything on Me is huge. My hips are aching more than ever. I have trouble walking and trip over my own feet. The ugly last month has arrived and I'm so done. Still trying to get my anemia under control. It's a little scary cause I only have so much time to get it up and if I don't, it's off to the hospital I go. Joe has been really on my ass lately about taking my iron and vitamins. It shouldn't take that much effort, I know. But I can't take the iron with calcium, etc. trying to remember all that and counting grahams of sugar, fiber, fat and protein is a little much. Nutrition should not be a full time job, but it is.

My friends from work (ex-work) threw me a baby shower on Sunday. It was really thoughtful. There are so many occasions that show who your true friends are. It was fun, and the cake Katie made was adorable. She's really great at it, and I think she's ready to start doing cakes professionally. If you made it, or weren't able to make it, thank you everybody!

I think that wraps up the last month's worth of info in a nut shell. As we get closer to the due date, I'll have more frequent updates. Or any other info to share, I'll try to be better about getting that to you. As always, my phone is open for calls, and I'll try to take them as long as I don't have 6 screaming kids at the time!

Sesame Street Bust

2008-05-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to see Sesame Street Live up in Everett. I bought the tickets about 6 weeks ago, and because we got them early, had awesome seats. We went last year and the boys had a blast. Even though we had to leave early because they started to get restless towards the end. We really wanted to do it again. What should have been another fun-filled easy going day out turned into a crazy (as usual) event.

We left the house barely on time to catch the 9:25 ferry in Kingston over to Edmunds. It would have given us just enough time with the half-hour ferry and 20 minute drive up to Everett to get there for 10:30, when the show started. Unfortunately I didn't notice the day before I had no gas, so we had to stop and fill up. Then on Bond road, we got stuck behind a s-l-o-w vehicle. We made it to the ferry terminal just in time, to discover they had overbooked the ferry and we would have to take the next one at 10:05. We turned around to leave but after discussing our options, we really didn't have any. There was no way we would be able to drive around in time, or catch any other ferry that would get us there. We pulled back into the terminal and decided it would be better to miss the first 20 minutes than the whole thing. The ferry got over to Edmunds at 10:25 which was earlier than expected and I was so happy. We planned on Joe dropping me and the kids off at the door so we could rush in, and we were most likely going to see the majority of the show. After following the street signs to the highway instead of our directions, we finally made it to the highway, and then our exit. Almost there. 10:45. Our exit was blocked off for construction. Damn. We got off at the other part of the exit, but got totally lost. We tried the navigation, and it actually worked. (it's really hit or miss) We followed it, had one more turn and... damn it! The road was blocked for construction! We back tracked changing our course and at 11:21 found the entrance. Joe pulled up, I got out to get the boys out, and Drew was sleeping. Joe said he'd bring him in, and I took Nate. When we pulled up, there we some people leaving and there were a ton of people in the lobby. Nate and I raced up to the door. With 5 minutes left of intermission, we found our seats and waited for Joe and Drew. 20 minutes later, the show was over, and Joe and Drew spent it in the back cause they couldn't get to our seats. (That we paid top dollar for so the kids could actually see this year) The boys both really enjoyed it, but I felt like a total failure. This day was supposed to be for them, and it seemed like everything in our path was keeping us from getting there. I couldn't help but think the Tao was at work. How else could so many obstacles pop up in our morning? I'm not sure why we weren't supposed to be there, and probably never will. I still feel horrible that their day was a total bust, but I know there wasn't anything I could do about it.

I say total bust, but we did go out to lunch at Red Robin, and then visited the Alderwood Mall for the first time. (Really great mall by the way) The boys love malls, so they had fun. I got some Capri's and tanks cause I am no longer a small (thanks to the belly) and Joe got a helicopter for him and the boys. We were supposed to go to a BBQ in Port Townsend at 5, but it took us 3 hours to get there. We were 15 miles out from the house and called to say we were running a little late, and were told it had been canceled. She told us to come up anyway, and we could hang out and grill and all that. We did, and had a good time. Nate and Drew made a new friend. We finally ended our day at 9:30. Even though we spent countless hours in the car, the boys were really good. We didn't have any major melt downs or tantrums so it went better than it could have with them.

Today, Nate is cranky as hell, and our neighbors had me up at 3am again. I'm really getting sick of it, and I think I'm going to go over there today and have a chat with them. I'm all for having fun, but don't be inconsiderate in the meantime. We will be spending the day at home today, resting.

So Over

2008-05-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

I finally quit my job, after what I felt was the final straw. I just couldn't do it anymore. I will miss some of my coworkers, but it was time, and I really hope they find something better, soon. There's a lot better out there. I havn't been looking for a new company just yet, though. I've decided with the support of my husband, to stay home for a while, be a mom, and get back to things I used to enjoy but have lost in the daily grind of our crazy life. I used to love writing, photography, cooking, playing piano, violin and guitar, and scrapbooking. I still do enjoy them, but havn't allowed myself the time to do any of it (except for cooking which is kind of a necessity). As women, before we have kids we're pretty good at taking care of ourselves. Getting our hair done, planing lots of 'girls nights' etc. But life after babies and marraige is all about sacrifice and more sacrifice, and we lose what makes us individuals instead of caretakers. Somewhere in the past almost 4 years, I have totally forgotten what makes me, me. After working a high stress, thankless, frustrating, constantly on-call job for the past 3 years, it's time for me. Even in my job I was sacrificing loads of personal and family time because I worked when I had to, not when I wanted to. This year I want to really examine my passions so I may pursue them, and spend a lifetime enjoying them. Of course, my family is number 1 and always will be until I die, but it's time I put me in second place. A month ago I would have been heartbroken to quit. I really thought my career helped define who I was outside the home. As much as I enjoyed the thrill of Real Estate and the success I experienced, I don't think I was really happy doing it. I may go back to it in the future, but at least I will know how to pace myself and not take those late-night phone calls and sunday morning appointments. Hopefull by then, I'll have gotten back to me.

Happy Mother's Day! (and a note on sleep deprevation)

2008-05-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day (late) to all the mommies! I hope everyone felt appreciated. I awoke to Drew giving me 2 cards. One from Joe, and one from the boys. Nate was still sleeping next to me, and was not as happy as I was about Drew's 'rise and shine' attitude. Drew then said, "happy birthday" and ran back downstairs. I decided to get up then, cause I could smell coffee and figured Joe would be making breakfast. I came down to blueberry pancakes and ham. (Joe makes the best blueberry pancakes from scratch) Drew's the only one who won't eat them, and I swear because they have some trace of an actual fruit in them. Nathan will chose melon over cake any day, but not the bug. Nate had made me a bookmark (?) at school that was decorated in flowers and gave it to me after breakfast. One of the teachers had written, 'to Mommy, love Nathan' on the back which he traced very well. I am more impressed everyday with his academic progress. His school is fantastic! At the beginning of the year he had trouble controlling his pencil at all, and now you can actually read what he is writing. A little later that day, Nate and Joe made me some mother's day cookies shaped into ducks, bats, and gingerbread men. They were the only cookie cutters we could find even though we have about 200. They decorated them with sprinkles and pink frosting. If Nathan sees anything pink he says "you should get this mommy", cause he knows it's my favorite color. We had Chinese for dinner, which I had to bring back to the restaurant in my pajamas cause they got the order wrong, but it was delicious after I got the right thing! I usually have to fight for Chinese cause I could eat it for every meal, while the rest of my family doesn't exactly share my feelings. It was a nice relaxing day.

Today, I had an emotional breakdown at 6:30 am. I'm going to chock it up to the hormones, but it was definitely a long time coming. Every morning Riley is up at 4:30 wanting to go outside. If it's a regular work day, Joe usually lets him out before he leaves, but I still wake up to his early morning barking. I expect that. It's not like we've ever owned a puppy before, and I'm actually happy he stays in his kennel for that long without complaining. Now this little early morning hiccup wouldn't be so bad if we didn't live in GD Washington, where the sun rises at 5am. I swear to god we live in a bird sanctuary with the chorus of tweeting that echos. Once you're woken in the morning, it's hard to fall back asleep. Drew, for whatever reason, has been waking up earlier and earlier every day for the past 3 weeks. He used to sleep in so much I would worry about him, but now he is full of vinegar at the crack of dawn. When Nathan wakes up early, he'll crawl in bed with me and either fall back asleep, or I can turn on the TV and he'll lay there quietly until it's a decent hour. Not Drew. When he's up, he's up, and there is no quieting that child. He'll pull the covers off, honk your nose, play with the cat, the blankets, pull on your hand, etc. He's relentless. Though he's relentless with everything. This morning he came in at 5:15. Joe is home cause he's on a new schedule, thank god. Around 6, Joe got up with him, but the damage had been done. There was no way I was going back to sleep now. I laid there trying my best to relax, but decided at 6:30 it wasn't worth it. I came downstairs, obviously flustered. Joe said, "what's wrong?" and I lost it. Crying, and complaining like one of my toddlers. I hate having moments like that. I think every mom has, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I think lately I have had a difficult time adjusting to stay-at-home mom, and that's also taking a toll on me. I try to cram so much in one day but after no sleep and destroyed hips, I never get it all done. I go to bed every night feeling unaccomplished and worn down. I used to be able to fit so much in one day and have so much energy but it's just gone. I have the motivation, but I physically can't push myself into doing what I feel needs to be done. Worst of all, I know it's only going to get harder when the baby arrives, so what am I supposed to do then? I've never expected things to be easy, but I wish they weren't this hard. This morning I am drained and it's only 10am.

Baby Pictures

2008-05-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Cinco de Mayo, we went to Bellevue to have a 4D ultrasound done. We had done one with Drew as well, but he was ornery as usual and pretty uncooperative. This time, I had a white mocha before we got there so this baby was movin' and shakin'! (He REALLY reacts to caffeine, sugar, etc.) He is breech, which is yet another bad situation for a home birth (it just keeps getting better), but we've got enough time for him to turn. Hopefully he does. He is going to be a big boy. In a few pictures, you can see he has a double chin (which is cute on babies, not me) and he has the same lips that Nate, Drew and Joe have. In some pics he looks a lot like Drew, but in others, he looks just like Nate in some of his newborn photos. He's got a lot of hair, but that's not surprising. And yes, HE. There were doubts among some about his gender because I have all the wives tales of carrying a girl. But he showed himself to us quite proudly, and there is no doubt. As much as I wanted a girl, I was relieved. We've already got the room, (which is Dinosaurs) clothes, and I've identified with this baby as a boy. It would be hard to think of him as anything but a 'he'. With all that laid to rest, he is gorgeous, and I really can't wait to meet him. He opened his eyes and pushed out on my belly whenever he heard Nate and Drew talk, and smiled when Joe yelled at Nate to not touch something. This was really such a great experience for us. Now I can picture him, and I've gotten a great feel for his personality. He'll be sweet and mellow, but feisty like his brothers. In moments like this I feel like I could mother 20 kids. There really is nothing better out there. (Don't worry, I don't actually plan on having 20 kids)

Our New Addition

2008-04-28T07:58:00.000-07:00

No, we didn't have the baby. (though there is a part of me that would wish for it if he could be healthy enough!) On Saturday we decided to get a new puppy! We found one on Craigslist, and after seeing him, decided 'why not?' At the house where he was (which turned out to be an amature breeder, and we didn't know that at the time) he was the calmest, most easy going puppy I had ever seen! He really reminded me of 'yellow dog' from the movie Funny Farm with Chevy Chase. And he looks just like him too! He is a yellow lab, and is probably going to be a big boy. The mom was small, but the dad was pretty big. On the plus side he is more blond than gold, and the mom was blond, so I'm hoping he actually does take after his mother's physical attributes. He is fitting in nicely and since we've gotten him home, his real character has shone brightly. He is as playful and energetic as you would expect a new puppy to be. He chews everything. We're working on that, and Nate is taking on the role of dog trainer pretty well. Every time he sees Riley with something he shouldn't have, he takes it from him and gives him his bone instead. The first night we had him he didn't do well in the kennel at all, but last night he did great. He made it through the night until Joe went to work at 5:30. Chopper is the only one who's having trouble adjusting. Every time Joe tries to play with Riley, Chopper will get in between him and Joe. I think once the threat is gone, he'll be better. Though Chopper is kind of a grump anyway.

For a pregnancy update: I had to have blood work done last Tuesday (and anyone who knows me knows that is not an easy thing for me to do) and Saturday morning my midwife called and said it came back and I am "severely anemic". Damn. If it's not one thing, it's another. She said with my history of hemorrhage combined with the severe anemia, if I don't get it up to a somewhat normal level, she'll have to refer me out to an OB and will no longer be able to care for me. I feel like this baby is destined to be born in a hospital. There have been so many things this time that have gone wrong or have been a possible serious/life threatening situation, it's almost getting old. I really have tried to take care of myself this time and it seems all efforts have failed. I have to get retested in 6 weeks, so I should know by then what the final outcome is going to be. For now, I'll just load up of the iron supplements, and hope for the best.

I would really like to post some new pics, but my camera charger is MIA. I am almost ready to buy a new one. It got lost somewhere in the move, and the battery ran out weeks ago. I'm sure it's in plain view in some box we threw together last minute, but it's just finding that box. I'll post some pics if I find it!

Happy Birthday to Joe!

2008-04-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

Saturday, April 5th, was Joe's birthday. Weeks ago we had tentatively planned on having a birthday/move-in party. Weeks ago, we didn't know we were still going to be living out of boxes. So (mainly I) decided to call it off. We are hoping to have one in a few weeks or so. Really, I'll be happy if we have any sort of gathering before the baby's born. I did feel bad for having to cancel the tentative party, so I had planned on making the day extra special for Joe's big 2-5. Unfortunately as usual, it didn't go as planned.

At 3:00 in the morning, I woke up to Drew fussing. It's a highly unusual event since he's only slept in our bed maybe 2 times in his life, and rarely wakes up during the night. I figured he might have had a bad dream, so I went into his room, and there he was sitting up half asleep. I picked him up, searched for 'puppies blanky' and brought him into our bed. He cuddled right in, and I should have known then something was wrong. Again, he's not much of a cuddler unless there's a TV on. He finally settled into a position, and Lila started playing with his toes. I got her off the bed, and he took another 5 minutes of tossing around before he settle again. I thought he was going to fall asleep for sure this time. Then he starts coughing. So I sat him up, he coughed again, then BAM! Vomit all over my side of the bed. Fantastic. I tried to move him to the bathroom, but he emptied his stomach before we got there. I changed his clothes and mine, and went downstairs for the children's TUMS. He was wide awake at this point, so I brought him downstairs with me so we could watch some NOGGIN and calm down. After 15 minutes of that, he turned to TV off and said, "go bed". I brought him to his bed this time and laid down with him cause my side of the bed was destroyed, and I thought he had fallen asleep. Nope, BAM! Vomit again. I changed him, and brought him into our bed next to Joe so I could change again, and the geyser returned. Joe sat up and looked at the clock reading '4:45' and said, "well, guess we should just put on the coffee." I laughed and said, "happy birthday, honey!"

Needless to say the rest of the day went horribly because both of us were so tired, and we spent the majority of the day cleaning up vomit. We kept falling asleep, Drew kept puking, and Nate was getting pretty irritated that no one could play with him. He had a horrible attitude the entire weekend. Somehow I did manage to take Nate to the mall to get Joe's birthday gift, and we did make a cake, but I must've been half asleep. It's a wonder it turned out decent. We called it an early night.

I do feel horrible for the way the day went. I had planned on getting up early, (not that early), making a big breakfast, taking Nate to the mall, sending Joe to the store for whatever so we could make his cake and decorate the house, and then making a big birthday dinner. Saturday was such a reminder of how far days can stray from their plans. Even with the best intentions, life as a parent is totally unpredictable. We did try to make it somewhat special and show Joe he is loved.

Tongue Piercings and Minivans

2008-04-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke with a dry mouth, and usually do. I end up with sores because of my tongue ring. Yeah, not a pretty thought, I know. But I ended up starting the day thinking, "why do I still have this thing?" I got it five years ago when I worked in a tattoo/piercing place. We were bored and looking for entertainment. It wasn't something I longed to do, nor was I 'trying to make a statement' when I had it done. I just felt like it. Now after 5 years of marriage, 2.5 kids and the start of a career, it just doesn't seem to fit. I had the same feeling when I went through my pre-prego clothes for the first time after losing all that baby weight. Even though I could still physically fit into them, they didn't 'fit' who I had become after giving birth and becoming a mother. Who was I trying to impress back then, anyway? As I no longer have the desire to bare extreme cleavage or allow my butt to hang out of my shorts, I really no longer have the desire to keep a tongue ring.

For months I fought Joe on purchasing a minivan. I told him I wasn't ready to completely give up my youth. "So what I have 2 kids, I'm only 22!" We finally decided on the Rendezvous, a crossover. 2 months after that, we found out about baby #3. Damnit. While our vehicle is (almost) big enough to comfortably fit 5, the minivan would have been a much better fit. What was/am I trying to hold on to? I am by all rights a full grown adult, with a mortgage, car payments, credit cards, utilities, and groceries. I have been since I was 18. (Less the mortgage, that didn't come till 20.) Why is it so hard for me to admit and accept that I am fully grown? I've never denied or forgotten my responsibilities as a mom and wife, and I've always welcomed them with open arms. But as I let go of the tongue piercing I feel like I am going through an early midlife crisis. I'll be 24 in October and it's terrifying. (I know some of you are laughing) But most people at 24 are just graduating college, and looking towards a career. I almost feel as though I've already hit the climax of my life. The plan is always to go to school, start a career, get married, buy a house in the suburbs and then have kids. Nobody plans, talks about or looks forward to what happens after that. Cool, I'll be 40 when my boys are out of high school. But who looks forward to their 40's? I'm definitely not complaining about my life because I wouldn't change a thing. I am proud of what Joe and I have accomplished, and of the lives we've created. I really enjoy my life. I just don't understand why it is and has been so hard for me to accept my place at this moment. I know it's just a minivan and a tongue ring, but they symbolize so much more than that. I am giving up the last bit of who I was before the kids came. Now I am struggling to find who I am at this point in my life. I'm trying to find hobbies to define me as more than a mom. Unfortunately, hobbies take time, and I just don't have it. I'd love to take guitar lessons, learn to sew, ballroom dance, snowboard, become fluent in a few languages, and take up photography. At least with photography, I've been taking pictures of my kids for years. Now I just have to get good at it. I've got a career, but I am losing my passion for it more and more everyday. I don't feel it's helping me grow as a person, since most of the business is based on greed. Everybody wants more, and you're never good enough. I feel caught in a limbo with no direction and plan. I have no idea who I am and that, like good old 24, is terrifying.

The First!

2008-04-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine started a blog and it inspired me to do the same. We too have family all over the country and it is hard to make daily phone calls, or even weekly phone calls. Our kids are growing up, and we want our friends and family to be able to share in the day to day joys we experience. Starting a blog also gives me the chace to journal, and give the world a front row seat to what actually goes on in my head (if you dare). It is a great privilage to be able to speak freely, and we should all take advantage of it. So please enjoy the rants, stories, photos, and everyday moments we experience, as we do.