Tongue Piercings and Minivans

This morning I woke with a dry mouth, and usually do. I end up with sores because of my tongue ring. Yeah, not a pretty thought, I know. But I ended up starting the day thinking, "why do I still have this thing?" I got it five years ago when I worked in a tattoo/piercing place. We were bored and looking for entertainment. It wasn't something I longed to do, nor was I 'trying to make a statement' when I had it done. I just felt like it. Now after 5 years of marriage, 2.5 kids and the start of a career, it just doesn't seem to fit. I had the same feeling when I went through my pre-prego clothes for the first time after losing all that baby weight. Even though I could still physically fit into them, they didn't 'fit' who I had become after giving birth and becoming a mother. Who was I trying to impress back then, anyway? As I no longer have the desire to bare extreme cleavage or allow my butt to hang out of my shorts, I really no longer have the desire to keep a tongue ring.

For months I fought Joe on purchasing a minivan. I told him I wasn't ready to completely give up my youth. "So what I have 2 kids, I'm only 22!" We finally decided on the Rendezvous, a crossover. 2 months after that, we found out about baby #3. Damnit. While our vehicle is (almost) big enough to comfortably fit 5, the minivan would have been a much better fit. What was/am I trying to hold on to? I am by all rights a full grown adult, with a mortgage, car payments, credit cards, utilities, and groceries. I have been since I was 18. (Less the mortgage, that didn't come till 20.) Why is it so hard for me to admit and accept that I am fully grown? I've never denied or forgotten my responsibilities as a mom and wife, and I've always welcomed them with open arms. But as I let go of the tongue piercing I feel like I am going through an early midlife crisis. I'll be 24 in October and it's terrifying. (I know some of you are laughing) But most people at 24 are just graduating college, and looking towards a career. I almost feel as though I've already hit the climax of my life. The plan is always to go to school, start a career, get married, buy a house in the suburbs and then have kids. Nobody plans, talks about or looks forward to what happens after that. Cool, I'll be 40 when my boys are out of high school. But who looks forward to their 40's? I'm definitely not complaining about my life because I wouldn't change a thing. I am proud of what Joe and I have accomplished, and of the lives we've created. I really enjoy my life. I just don't understand why it is and has been so hard for me to accept my place at this moment. I know it's just a minivan and a tongue ring, but they symbolize so much more than that. I am giving up the last bit of who I was before the kids came. Now I am struggling to find who I am at this point in my life. I'm trying to find hobbies to define me as more than a mom. Unfortunately, hobbies take time, and I just don't have it. I'd love to take guitar lessons, learn to sew, ballroom dance, snowboard, become fluent in a few languages, and take up photography. At least with photography, I've been taking pictures of my kids for years. Now I just have to get good at it. I've got a career, but I am losing my passion for it more and more everyday. I don't feel it's helping me grow as a person, since most of the business is based on greed. Everybody wants more, and you're never good enough. I feel caught in a limbo with no direction and plan. I have no idea who I am and that, like good old 24, is terrifying.