Putting in the Time

For the longest time I have felt like I am walking with a fuzzy brain, and no comprehension of where I am or where I'm headed. I have been dreaming in many different directions, and haven't taken a step in any of them. I've been in this cloud for almost a year now, and it's finally lifting. I used to make a 20 line list (no exaggeration) of things I was supposed to do for the day. I'd even have to write down the simplest things like, "check ______ blog". I know, ridiculous.

I am finally letting go of the need to rush into everything, be it photography, school, and any of my other big ideas. All good things come in time. I usually get so wrapped in the goal of the end result I forget to enjoy the steps it takes to get there. I wanted to get there without the experience. Wanted the degree without having to work for it. I had so much trouble with one of my classes, I almost quit school together. Now that I'm almost done (and doing well), I realize that it really wasn't that bad, but it was work. There's a reason they don't hand out degrees and not everybody has one. Even photography, I thought I could jump in and in a couple of months, shoot like a professional. It's the experience that makes the professional. You can learn about all the greatest techniques, but until you master them, your photo's just won't be good. As an "experienced" mom, I'm doing better, but there's a lot I haven't had to deal with yet. Grandmother's are respected because they've been through it (two generations worth). I'm almost a quarter century old, and I've experienced a lot for my age, but not nearly enough for a lifetime. I don't want to be a jack of all trades, I want to be a master of some. I have jumped from instrument to instrument (I own 4), craft projects, to the dreams of a small business (several), volunteer project, to book after book that I've never finished. I'm taking two sociology classes right now, and let me tell you were they appropriate. Reading things and saying, "hey that's me" and understanding me has been such a wonderful, even if at times heartbreaking, experience. I know I'm not an expert and don't pretend to be. But maybe someday I'll have a Master's and I'll get there. For now, I feel enlightened like I am reading chapters about me and I'm understanding all the things that I hated about myself. With understanding, comes forgiveness. I can let go of a lot of the guilt I've carried for years over really simple things. I have in no way reached any of my end goals. But I'm committed enough to do the work, walk the miles, invest the time, and I'm getting there.