Special

A long time ago, Nate and I spent a lot of time together, just the two of us. 2.5 patrols, many duty nights, and a lot of flying back and forth to Rhode Island. I have always felt extremely connected to him. I have always treated him as if he were older. I've expected more from him than my other children, which I do feel bad about. So I've heard, it's the curse of being the oldest. But amazingly, he's (for the most part) always lived up to my expectations, with a few bumps here and there. The majority of the time he does what is asked of him, and then some.

I know I've touched on his recent behavior in previous entries. The outbursts continue, though we're managing through it. More than anything, they're emotional. Nathan needs a lot of one-on-one time, and he hasn't been getting it lately. Between child care, 2 full-time brothers and Joe's crazy work schedule, it's really hard to fit in. Tonight I put Drew to bed a little early, and was actually able to spend some one-on-one time with both of them. Nate always asks me to lay with him for a little while he falls asleep, and this was the first night in a long time I was able to do it. We used to use this time to reflect on the day, talk about school, life etc. He seemed in good spirits until he said a single sentence that almost brought me to tears. He said, "Mom, my friends don't want to play with me at school. I think it's cause I'm not special enough.". He's 4. Four. What a thing for a 4 year old to be be feeling. Of course I reassured him, or tried to, that he is special and very much loved. The world is cruel and school can be an awful place for a kid who doesn't feel like they fit in. It's a horrible feeling as a parent to have to sit on the sidelines while watching your child experience a hard time. I can't go to school with him. I can't follow him to other people's houses when he has a play date. I can't always tell him what to say, or how to act. He has to figure out things on his own and he'll be better off in the long run. Every experience we have shapes us into who we become. I don't want to take these experiences away from him, but we've all had a hard days as kids with our peers, and I don't think anyone could forget how hard it can be. Hopefully it's just a phase. If not, I just don't know what to do.