Amanda the... optimist?

Apparently. I picked up a copy of Psychology Today because it had a headline article that was supposed to help you retrain your brain into being what you want to be. One of the main focuses of the article was changing your thoughts to be more optimistic. While I would normally NOT consider myself to be an optimist, reading the article I discovered I have one major optimist quality... making things better and figuring things out instead of giving up. If I don't have the money to do something, I figure out a way to raise it. If I get sent the wrong pieces to a Pottery Barn Playhouse and don't find out until Christmas eve, I still find a way to put it together. (Not without an hour of frustration and throwing things, but we did it) I'm always scheming, dreaming, and planing. I'll work on a problem until I get it. I am not always calm, cool and collected while doing so and am actually quite the opposite, but I do it. I loved figuring out loans (as stressful as it was) because it was a problem in which I could manipulate variables to make it work. I rarely take no for an answer, and I realize there is not much that I want for. I'm not talking material things, but life experiences in general. There are times when I have seen dreams and desires fly out the window and I "say" I'm letting it go, but I never do. There is always some part of me that holds on to every aspiration I've ever had because I know someday I'll make it happen. Reading this article was actually good for me. It shed some much-needed positive light on my self-schema. (oh yeah, learned that one in Social Psych and used it in real life!)

Putting in the Time

For the longest time I have felt like I am walking with a fuzzy brain, and no comprehension of where I am or where I'm headed. I have been dreaming in many different directions, and haven't taken a step in any of them. I've been in this cloud for almost a year now, and it's finally lifting. I used to make a 20 line list (no exaggeration) of things I was supposed to do for the day. I'd even have to write down the simplest things like, "check ______ blog". I know, ridiculous.

I am finally letting go of the need to rush into everything, be it photography, school, and any of my other big ideas. All good things come in time. I usually get so wrapped in the goal of the end result I forget to enjoy the steps it takes to get there. I wanted to get there without the experience. Wanted the degree without having to work for it. I had so much trouble with one of my classes, I almost quit school together. Now that I'm almost done (and doing well), I realize that it really wasn't that bad, but it was work. There's a reason they don't hand out degrees and not everybody has one. Even photography, I thought I could jump in and in a couple of months, shoot like a professional. It's the experience that makes the professional. You can learn about all the greatest techniques, but until you master them, your photo's just won't be good. As an "experienced" mom, I'm doing better, but there's a lot I haven't had to deal with yet. Grandmother's are respected because they've been through it (two generations worth). I'm almost a quarter century old, and I've experienced a lot for my age, but not nearly enough for a lifetime. I don't want to be a jack of all trades, I want to be a master of some. I have jumped from instrument to instrument (I own 4), craft projects, to the dreams of a small business (several), volunteer project, to book after book that I've never finished. I'm taking two sociology classes right now, and let me tell you were they appropriate. Reading things and saying, "hey that's me" and understanding me has been such a wonderful, even if at times heartbreaking, experience. I know I'm not an expert and don't pretend to be. But maybe someday I'll have a Master's and I'll get there. For now, I feel enlightened like I am reading chapters about me and I'm understanding all the things that I hated about myself. With understanding, comes forgiveness. I can let go of a lot of the guilt I've carried for years over really simple things. I have in no way reached any of my end goals. But I'm committed enough to do the work, walk the miles, invest the time, and I'm getting there.