Here's to Goodbye

Today I said a final farewell to a family we have been friends with for a long time. They're Navy, and are being transferred. I saw them drive away, and thought about how much I wished we had spent more time together. We did bar-b-q's and birthday parties, but not incredibly often. They have 2 children, and for both of us, life is hectic. The sad part about spending more time together, is that at some point, you know your friends are going to leave. That's what the Navy life is: never in the same place for a long time and even if you stay, everyone else around you doesn't.

In the past 5 years, I have said 'goodbye' to so many people. I've made so many fiends and lost them due to a relocation. Almost everyone I've gotten to know, has left. We always have the best intentions of staying in touch and through Myspace, occasionally we do. Not as much as I'd like, but we keep up on each other's family updates, and send 'happy birthday' shout-outs. I don't dislike Washington but whenever someone leaves, I feel jealous. They're starting out on a new adventure: seeing the country, meeting new people... and we're here. I guess I also feel slightly abandoned. Which may be childish, and I should be happy for them, but I'm not. And honestly, I don't really want to move. The only areas of the country we have the option of relocating to, I don't want to be. I'd ultimately like to say 'goodbye' to the military lifestyle, and go somewhere we chose to be, because we love it.

I'm not only sad for me, but also for my boys. They've made so many friends that they have had to let go of. They're young, and eventually the kids fade out of their heads as they get older, but throughout their entire childhood, they'll have to make new friends and say 'goodbye' to old ones at least every 3 or 4 years. It's heartbreaking to know this is the life they will have for the next 14 years.

I have been there through pregnancies, the birth of children, the long patrols, 'we're finally here!' parties and going away parties. For hospital stays, shopping trips, and 'my kids are driving me crazy!' phone calls. The friendships I've had have meant so much to me, and it's deeply saddening to have to let them go.

Boys...

have the power to fill your heart then obliterate it within a minute. Some nights I am amazed at my boy's capacity of kindness. Other nights, I am left feeling like I don't know my own children. The male mind alone is foreign to me, as I am not male. And girls, it is different. Every thing about their thought processes, from the way they react to a verbal attack, to the way they weigh consequences or if it would be worth it to get into trouble anyway. Usually the answer to that one, is yes. I like being a mom of boys. The funny thing is, just like there is a great difference between boys and girls, moms of just boys are different too, and easy to spot. Moms of boys play harder. They have to have a pretty good sense of humor. And yes, that includes all of the 'uncouth' things too. I've learned that I don't have to be proper all of the time, which I have spent the majority of my life doing. Most of my very good friends growing up were male, and it was hard for me to let go of some of that then. Now that I am raising boys, I don't have a choice. I want to raise good men, who don't take themselves too seriously. Granted there is a time and a place for everything, but it's OK to let up and loosen up. Moms of boys may be a little rough around the edges, but I definitely believe it's a survival tactic. It helps to know that when they're grown I'll have a little mafia of protection, because no one messes with a boy's mom. And a son will always need his mother.

What I will add to this, is that there will always be a part of me that is sad for never having a daughter. Sometimes the sadness is so great, it gets me down for the whole day. I never expected I'd have one son, let alone 3! I'm not complaining about that, and I would not go back and change the gender of any of my children if given the chance, but I will always have this sadness. Joe and I really always planed on having 3 kids, so I feel like my chance is gone. After Matt's ultrasound, I felt that last chance slip away. And I'm not ashamed or too good to say I cried. A lot. It subsided, but every time we went to look at nursery sets or baby clothes, I would get sad or disgruntle. Eventually I felt better about it and welcomed our son with open and loving arms. But at least once a day, I think about all the things I will never get to experience as a mother. Ballet lessons, girl's days out, shopping for prom dresses. Planing a wedding. The mother of the groom gets to show up. I'll never shop for cute Easter dresses, attend a first ear-piercing (no, not OK with me for the boys), or supervise a makeover slumber party. To some, this may sound selfish and childish. I have three beautiful, perfectly healthy children, and I should feel complete. But I don't. And to be honest, I'm not sure I could go through the baby stage again. Babies are great, but they're a lot of work. Joe and I really didn't get ourselves back until Drew was about 2.5 and potty trained. Now we are slaves to bottles, Mylacon drops, and diapers. I just can't see starting over after Matt reaches that age when we'll start to feel like actual people again. As a Tao follower, I try to let it be what it is, without questioning the reasons and damning the outcomes. But on this one, it's hard to get over. I feel as though I will miss out on a lifetime of moments that I have dreamed about since I was 2. I read an article recently, where a mother was in the same position, and was feeling everything I am going through. The respondent said she had to grieve the loss as if it were the loss of a living child. When a person invests so much of themselves in a dream and it doesn't come true, it has to be mourned. Amazingly, that's exactly what it feels like for me.

For now, I will attend soccer practice, and karate lessons. I will put up with games of cops and robbers, as much as I despise pretending a finger is a gun. I will invest in toy dinosaurs, and Thomas the Train, and spend hours building intricate tracks and roads. And wonderfully, I'll enjoy every minute of it. But every time I walk by the Barbie isle or a row of dresses, I know I'll feel it again. Even for a slight second, it'll be there.

Baby Weight

Mamas: Need I say more? The leftover baby weight can be the most frustrating and depressing part of motherhood. With every child, your carefree and fun-loving young self is chipped away and replaced with a worrisome, coupon clipping, worn out and fatigued much older version of you. Baby weight is just one more reminder that you will never quite be the same. Your body changes forever. I gained a ridiculous amount of weight during Matt's pregnancy (yeah, like 54 lbs), and I could not kick myself more today for all of the after dinner ice cream trips, and extra slices of pizza. I was slowly able to lose at least 2 lbs every week after the delivery, but got stuck at the same weight for three weeks. I was walking, (we bought a treadmill) eating well, and I wouldn't budge.

After being crazy frustrated for those three weeks, I learned of a program called Isagenix through a friend. I'm not one to go for "fast-result" gimmicks, or programs that promise you the world. But after my friend saw amazing results on herself, I thought it'd be worth a try. It was a little more expensive than I wanted, but oh lord, so worth it. Since starting the program 2 weeks ago, I've lost 12 lbs, and 2 dress sizes. No shit. I put on a pair of pants this morning that I had almost given up on. 2 sizes to go, and I am back to my pre-Matt me. Weight has always been a touchy subject for me, and just as I was going to give up...

Today I raise a lovely finger at baby weight, cause I've beaten you, once again! If you can't tell, today I'm over the moon. My only regret is not starting the program the day after the delivery!

Happy (wonderful) Birthday to Me!

Friday was my 24th birthday, and was absolutely wonderful. The first "happy birthday" I got was at 3:00 am during one of Matt's midnight feedings. In the morning, all the kids wished me 'happy birthday', and gave me a hug. Even the kids I watch remembered when they showed up. My Dad called and sang to me, and it always makes me laugh. Joe and my Mom had been planning a HUGE surprise for (I think) about a month. He had given me a few hints along the way but they were too ambiguous for me to pinpoint what it was. Either way, I wanted to be surprised. Joe had put so much effort into it, I didn't want to spoil it. Friday I dropped off the kids at school and took Drew with me. I knew Joe needed me to get lost for an hour or so, so I decided to take back some 'too big' pajamas for Nate, and proceed to another store to try to find some that did. I came back a little too early apparently cause when I drove up, Kaela hopped in the car and said, "you can't be here yet." We went to Starbucks and had a white mocha while Drew munched on a Petite Vanilla Bean Scone . Joe finally called and gave the OK to return.

When we walked up to the front door there was a black and pink sign that read, "MANDY'S PHOTOGRAPHY". (The story behind that: when I was younger, I used to create photography 'portfolios' out of those free little albums that you used to get when you developed film at Wal-Mart) And at this point, I got it. We came in, and there was a home made cake with "Happy 24th Amanda", and 24 pink frosting flowers around the edge. We came into the dining/formal living area and there it was. Two large lights with umbrellas, and a backdrop hung up on a stand. There was another backdrop lying next to it, some mats, and a cube (that we're still not too sure exactly what it's for, but I believe it's to cover up a stool or something). I was ecstatic. Joe really had put so much thought into this, it was amazing. Then I read the card. The card itself was wonderful and really heartfelt, but the last sentence made me cry. "I believe in you". A few days prior I told Joe I was too afraid to think I didn't have the natural talent it takes to be successful, and that was scary for me. How awful it would be to fail at something you love. Knowing that he supports me 100%, means so much more than anyone could know. And as well as I know Joe, he wouldn't have put the money into it if he didn't think it was something worth pursuing. So I was already on cloud 9, and then another package showed up. In addition to my Mom going in on the studio equipment, she bought me the camera bag I wanted. I told her she was crazy, cause it was pretty expensive. My Mom is totally backing me in this endeavor as well. It's awesome to know that I have the support of my family. Without that, it would be hard to accomplish anything. As often as I am not listened to with the kids, I really feel I am heard by Joe, my Mom and Grandparents. They all make me feel so important whenever I need it the most.

Later on, Joe and I went to Outback while the kids were all at sitters. It was a really nice time, just the two of us. We actually had conversation, and were able to finish a whole meal. (which we stuffed ourselves retarded) This birthday was very closely tied with my 23rd, but I definitely think this one has come out on top.

Oh, Washington...

you're back. The rainy season has returned full blast. It's saddening as much as it is relieving. Summer is such a ridiculously hectic and crazy time of year. Fairs, carnivals, visitors, trips, yard work, pools, parks... all the time. While fun, it can get overwhelming. Throw in the birth of a new baby and triple that craziness. When the fall comes, kids go back to school, all of the summer events are over, and things get a little calmer.

For me, Fall represents a whole other feeling altogether. I've always thought of September as my New Year's. Every new school year I could start over and try to be everything I wanted to. It always fell off by January, but nevertheless, I tried. My birthday is also in October and again, another number is another opportunity to start out trying to be what I wish to become. Obviously, this is my favorite season. I also love the weather itself: when it's not too cold to freeze you, but cold enough to wear a sweater and appreciate a warm home with the aroma of apples. My favorite Yankee Candle comes out this time a year: Autumn Wreath. I buy a few every fall, and love making the trip to Hallmark to get it. As corny as this sounds, the smell reminds me of making Swedish Apple Pie with my Grandma. We always made it this time of year. I need to get the recipe from her, so I can start the tradition with my kids. It's one of my fondest childhood memories.

So since my birthday is coming up (Friday), I've thought a lot about what I wish to accomplish in the year of the big 2-4. My biggest ideas so far include: Getting Healthy, pursuing my passions, decorating my house, becoming more money wise, and reading books I always wanted to, but said I didn't have the time for. For getting healthy I don't just mean losing weight (though I would totally not complain if I lost 30 lbs), but really being health conscience. Exercising more, eating a more balanced diet, etc. Photography is a long lost passion of mine that I have been in love with since I was 9, but I never did anything with. I'd like to pursue that so I can take photos I'm really proud of. As for my house, We've lived in it for over 6 months and we still haven't unpacked all of our picture frames, and tchotchkes. Our house just doesn't feel like our home yet. Money wise, enough said. We could all use a lesson, I'm sure.

Everyday I recite, "three frogs... three frogs..." to remind myself that at the end if the day, I want to be the one that jumped off. And by the end of the year, I want to be the one on the other side of the pond.