"Hard to get to know..."

I love myspace. I've reunited with many friends that I thought were long lost. I keep in touch with family and distant friends, because it's so much easier than finding a moment to call when it won't be crazy loud in my house. (which it always is) I put a 'truth box' on my space and it's pretty fun. Usually people leave pretty nice things on there that are uplifting. Joe and I use our truth boxes to mess with each other leaving messages like: "you suck" or "you're gay". Don't worry, it's all in good fun and we mutually understand that. We've also left some pretty heartfelt messages for each other as well. About a month ago I read a comment that was sweet, and saddening. I have no idea who it's from, because the whole point of the truth box is to leave messages anonymously. There's no way of finding out who wrote it. The message was, and I'm paraphrasing: ' I wish we knew each other better. You are a great mother and wife. Probably very funny but hard to get to know.' (Not exact words but somewhere along those lines.) Hard to get to know. I have pondered over this phrase for the entire month. Sadly, it's not the first time I've heard it. I've been told by friends of mine that people feel I am 'stand-off-ish'. Friends have also told me, people have told them, they think I don't like them. Which is (mostly) untrue. I have had this issue since high school. It's saddening to know that I give off this impression. I have always thought of myself as a friendly person. Not that any one's denied that, but I guess there's a fine line between being just friendly... and... I don't know. I truly care about the people around me, and try to let them know. I keep up on the state of their families, and always try to remember birthdays. Truth told, I miss all of my relocated friends terribly, and do have moments of loneliness when I'd like to stop by their house, or make a trip to the mall. I've also always been a very open and honest person. If you ask me a question, I will not lie. I'm not proud of everything I've done in my life, but I would never deny it. So for that, I'd say I'm pretty easy to get to know. However the consensus says differently. I really am an open book, I have an open mind, and an open heart. I listen when people speak, and value every life. I'm not sure how to fix this long standing impression of me, but I'd like to. It's definitely not who I am, or who I want to be. So, if you also find me "hard to get to know", feel free and ask me anything you'd like. Feel free to call and talk about nothing, or everything. Feel free to email. And if I've never taken the first step toward friendship, I'm sorry. I promise it's not personal, it's just me(apparently). I am trying to be better at it. Hopefully, someday soon I'll be able to shake this and put forth my true self.

Three Frogs

I read a riddle recently that I'd like to share:

Three frogs are sitting on a log. Two decide to jump off. How many frogs are left?
Think about it...
Answer: One?
Wrong.
The answer is unknown. Just because two of the frogs decided to jump off doesn't mean they did it. What can we learn from this?

Do something. Many of us, and myself included to the greatest extent, plan on doing things. We plan on cleaning out the garage. We plan on taking cooking classes. We plan on taking our kids to the zoo. We plan on taking that long awaited (and much needed) vacation. I make a list every day, whether in my head or on paper, of things I'd like to accomplish by that night. Be it: taking out the garbage, snapping some good photos of the kids, or making time to play a game with the kids. I rarely accomplish everything I set out to do that day. Either I'm tired, or too busy, or something else just comes up. I finally put Matt's hand and foot prints in his baby book, and he's 2 months old. All good moms know: the kids come first. Really good moms know to make sure they're taken care of too; spiritually, physically, whatever. So my assignment, and I encourage you to do the same, is to pick one thing a day and make sure you DO it. One thing; so you can lay down at the end of the day not thinking about what you should have done instead of watching a rerun of The Simpsons. Or, at the minimum take a step in the right direction. Make the phone call, or at least find the phone number. I believe all individuals have the power and potential to do amazing things. Lets start.

Special

A long time ago, Nate and I spent a lot of time together, just the two of us. 2.5 patrols, many duty nights, and a lot of flying back and forth to Rhode Island. I have always felt extremely connected to him. I have always treated him as if he were older. I've expected more from him than my other children, which I do feel bad about. So I've heard, it's the curse of being the oldest. But amazingly, he's (for the most part) always lived up to my expectations, with a few bumps here and there. The majority of the time he does what is asked of him, and then some.

I know I've touched on his recent behavior in previous entries. The outbursts continue, though we're managing through it. More than anything, they're emotional. Nathan needs a lot of one-on-one time, and he hasn't been getting it lately. Between child care, 2 full-time brothers and Joe's crazy work schedule, it's really hard to fit in. Tonight I put Drew to bed a little early, and was actually able to spend some one-on-one time with both of them. Nate always asks me to lay with him for a little while he falls asleep, and this was the first night in a long time I was able to do it. We used to use this time to reflect on the day, talk about school, life etc. He seemed in good spirits until he said a single sentence that almost brought me to tears. He said, "Mom, my friends don't want to play with me at school. I think it's cause I'm not special enough.". He's 4. Four. What a thing for a 4 year old to be be feeling. Of course I reassured him, or tried to, that he is special and very much loved. The world is cruel and school can be an awful place for a kid who doesn't feel like they fit in. It's a horrible feeling as a parent to have to sit on the sidelines while watching your child experience a hard time. I can't go to school with him. I can't follow him to other people's houses when he has a play date. I can't always tell him what to say, or how to act. He has to figure out things on his own and he'll be better off in the long run. Every experience we have shapes us into who we become. I don't want to take these experiences away from him, but we've all had a hard days as kids with our peers, and I don't think anyone could forget how hard it can be. Hopefully it's just a phase. If not, I just don't know what to do.

Baby Smiles

Matt started smiling very young... about a week and a half old. I remember it was during my first dinner at home after being in the hospital. We were sitting at the table, and Matt wanted to join us as usual. I was holding him waiting for Joe to finish eating so I could pass Matt of and start on my meal. I was talking to and smiling at Matt, and he smiled back. (and no, it wasn't 'gas') But now he has gotten old enough to really play with. He loves to be tickled, and touched on his face. Joe took a few of the cadences they use while working out with their students, and converted them to fit a baby. Matt loves them and smiles big every time Joe sings. (I've tried, but he just doesn't get the same enjoyment out of it with me) Matt also loves kisses, and smiles at every one. Now that we've gotten to this stage, I have realized there is nothing better than a baby smile. Babies don't know how to fake happiness, so it is such a pure and honest reaction. When I see him smile big enough to light up his eyes, I forget about the 2 hours of sleep I had the night before. I forget about the colic, the frustration we've both felt with breastfeeding, being peed on, pooped on, etc. No matter how angry my children make me, I forget about all of it with only one moment of pure joy. That moment, is what we parents live for. A child's honesty can be crushing or it can give you wings. One single moment, one baby smile, can give you the strength to make it to the end of the day in one piece or get you up in the morning. I read a while ago that some study found people without children generally were happier. And while some days I believe it, I have never been happier than I am when experiencing one of these moments. This is what I live for. Good morning hugs, goodnight kisses, and baby smiles.

Too Much of a Good Thing

Nathan is one of the most genuinely kind-hearted kids I know. He shows an amazing sense of empathy for his age, and always has. This being said, I don't know what's happened to my sweet little boy. He's never been one to act out physically, but lately he has been. He's been saying mean things to everyone around him, and I don't know where it's coming from, or how to fix it. I thought babysitting for his best friend and her brother would be a wonderful thing. They never fought over anything, and played together at school every chance they could. Now they can't be in the same room together without some 'tragic' thing happening. Because Nate's such an emotional child, he takes everything to heart. If he yells 'hi' to a neighbor and they don't wave back, he gets sad. If someone doesn't want to play with him, it breaks his heart. I know kids are not always going to get along, and arguing is probably health for their development. But god damn. The biggest source of frustration for him lately is when he feels rejected, and acts out. Today Nate asked his friend to give him a 'high 5' and "friend" stood there looking at him blankly, obviously ignoring his request. He said, "Please?" , and "friend" continued staring at him with an implied response of 'no'. I'm not saying anyone should do something they don't want to, but it started the day off horribly, and it's as if she did it for kicks. (I don't know the real reason behind it and it could have been perfectly innocent, but I have learned children are a lot more calculating than they let on.) So there went our Monday. Full of, "you're not my friend"'s and "I don't want to play with you"'s. (From both sides) It's constant. It's utterly ridiculous. And I am so beyond frustrated with the situation. I don't know how to get them to be get along again, and stop all this nonsense. I've tried talking to them individually and together. Nothing works. No matter how hurt Nathan is, hitting is absolutely unacceptable. He knows this. So he is cleaning up the basement by himself, and cannot watch TV for a week. He has been sent to his room. He has been denied activities. Nothing works. I'm sure in the heat of the moment he is not thinking about future consequences, but how can I get him to that level? I know it's not all him, but unfortunately he's more direct with his comments. So he is always the one in trouble for the fighting. My heart goes out to him, and I feel awful when I know he's just taken a blow to the chest. I try to make it better by offering to play with him instead, but he doesn't want me now, and I understand. I expect that he's not going to want to play with me over his peers. I just don't know how to make it better. The best friend he wanted to spend every waking moment with, is now here 40 hours a week. It's not the perfect situation I thought it'd be, and Nathan is definitely feeling the effects of the phrase, 'too much of a good thing'.

So Horrible, but So Real

When Matt was born, I loved looking at him... still do. There is no more pure form of human than a newborn baby. Everything they do is solely to survive, and be loved. They know nothing of jealousy, hate or anger, and have done nothing to deserve those feelings towards them. As I was flooded with all of these wonderful feelings of love and affection, I became horribly sad. (leave it to me to kill a good moment) As innocent and helpless as babies are, there are people who do horrible things to them. It is one thing to say 'how sad it is', or 'isn't that a shame', like most people do. But for some incredibly unfortunate reason, I am deeply saddened by these events and am effected forever. I have cried every time I hear of a severely abused child, a newborn left to die by the side of the road, or worse. I find it unfathomable that someone could do something so heartless to someone so helpless. What I don't understand is why these people don't use the resources that are there to help them. There are crisis lines for new parents who have reached the end of their rope with a newborn baby who won't stop crying. There are plenty of adoption agencies who would be happy to place that baby by the road in a loving home. No matter how stubborn or difficult a child may be, no child deserves this kind of treatment. And babies. So frail, and trusting. They trust you will always catch them, you will always feed them, and when they are cold, you will wrap them up in a blanket. They trust you will love them. As sad as I am and always will be over this, I feel completely helpless. People have and always will do horrible things. I hate to say it is in our nature, but for some I believe it is. I'll close this with... If you have children: love them. If you don't love them: give them to someone who will. And if you know of a stressed out parent in trouble: offer to help, or at least offer an ear. If you know of a child in trouble: call CPS. Don't worry about making things 'awkward' between you and your neighbor or friend. I'm sure 90% of abuse related deaths could have been prevented if someone hadn't turned the other way.

Soccer School!

Nate started this school year last Wednesday, and Drew was very upset he couldn't go. He did attend the open house on Tuesday with Nate and Joe, but I think that made it even worse. Now he knows what he's missing. I felt and still feel bad for Drew; everyday when we're getting ready to leave the house he puts his shoes on and says, "I go to school, too?" It's heartbreaking to tell him 'no', everyday. So on Thursday Joe and I decided to put the boys in "Lil Kickers". It's a soccer based program for kids 18 months and up. They have several classes for all the different stages. And awesomely enough, Nate and Drew's classes fall on Saturday at the same time. We chose the 11am since it's too much of a hassle to get out of the house early, and we have to do it 4 days a week already. Drew's class is a parent/child class, so Joe and I decided whoever takes Nate to his class, will take Matt as well. We'll switch off every Saturday. What's nice is the classes are on the same indoor field divided into three sections, so you're all in the same area anyway. Today Joe did Drew's class, and said he did more running than the 2 year old! Drew was a little reluctant to do some of the activities at first, but he did well. Drew takes a while to warm up to situations with a lot of people. Nate did fantastic. I never realized how big he is for his age until I saw him with his peers. He towered over the other kids. But he is definitely the fastest runner in his class by far, and he listened to and did everything the coaches instructed them to do. (I was a little nervous in that area) Kudos to the coaches too. They were so great with the kids and really encouraging. Today they both got their uniforms, and wanted to wear them right away. When I have Nate again, I'll try to bring my camera and post some pictures. FYI Matt did well too. He was really interested in everything that was going on. We all can't wait to do it again next Saturday.

Matt's First Checkup

I was home with the kids, so Joe took Matt to his first checkup. He is now a whopping 12 lbs 2 oz. and 22.5" long. I knew he had gained weight, but not almost 4 pounds! He's a little chunk. But I love his Buddha belly. He has an angioma on his back that we thought was just a birth mark, but the Doctor said it would fade as he got older. He's basically a perfectly healthy little boy. Keep on eating, baby!

New Shoes

Last weekend we went to Tacoma to get the boys new shoes for the fall. Surprisingly, both the boys had gone up 2 sizes since last year! I'm not sure how fast kids' feet are supposed to grow, but I didn't think it would be that much. Nathan is getting old enough to want to pick out everything he wears, and if he doesn't like it, he's not wearing it! So for this years school clothes and shoes, he got to make most of the decisions. (I should still have some say, right? Otherwise he would have bought out Gymboree!) He's pretty good about the clothes, but the shoes he picked out... ugh. Both Joe and I tried to persuade him into choosing something else, but he wasn't having it. "They've got bouncy balls on them, and they help me jump!", was his reasoning, while vigorously jumping up and down. (They're striderite 'superball') The shoes themselves weren't bad, but the colors were in our opinion, hideous. Drew picked out the Geox I was rooting for with Nate, so at least I got one! As much as I detest the 'bouncy ball shoes' I couldn't say no. They will be on his feet, and he deserves the freedom to wear what he likes. It was a milestone of his independence. These are the moments that empower our children and give them their sense of self. But man is it hard to hold back sometimes. Enjoy your 'bouncy ball shoes' Nate, and jump high.